


Saviour

by mxtt216



Category: RuPaul's Drag Race RPF
Genre: AU, Angst, Cafe AU, Complete, F/F, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Implied/Referenced Sexual Assault, Lesbian AU, Romance, Waitress-Trixie
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-18
Updated: 2018-04-17
Packaged: 2019-04-04 04:58:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 17
Words: 25,992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14012676
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mxtt216/pseuds/mxtt216
Summary: Café AU multi-chapter fic.Trixie is a waitress as well as a college student who is struggling with her mental health because of some unresolved issues in her homelife growing up.Katya is a customer who comforts her during a tough night, but can it eventually lead to more between them? Especially when Trixie is so afraid to be in a relationship.





	1. Chapter 1

“Trix’- there’s some guy over there saying you overcharged him”

At Dela’s words, the nineteen year old blonde felt her eyes roll back in her head. She had just about enough of being here tonight.  
_‘You should be grateful’_ her mother had pointed out the last weekend she had called home from college, and mentioned the problems she’d been having at work- and she was grateful. Her boss Bianca had really given her an opportunity letting her take shifts in the small yet busy café, and Lord knows she needed the pay check she was getting in return for her work, but sometimes what she got from it didn’t seem worth all of this. Especially the abrasive drunks.

“Hi Sir, what seems to be the problem?” she asked as politely as she muster, gesturing to the bill he was scowling at and based off the alcohol reeking off of him Trixie wondered if he was scowling out of necessity to see the small typed print or out of anger

“My _problem_..” he spat harshly at her, drawing some concerned glances from other customers “..is that you charged me $13.50, and I know my food wasn’t worth that”

Trixie bit her lip, but immediately switched and offered him a bright, obviously fake, smile  
“Okay Sir, could I just see that bill?” she asked gesturing for the piece of paper but he scoffed and angrily shoved her hand away – shocking her slightly

“You don’t _need_ to see it girl, I’m telling you I’m not paying the damn bill and you seein’ it wont change that”

Trixie felt out of her depth, she didn’t want to provoke the man any more than she clearly already had but she couldn’t just leave this unresolved and face backlash from Bianca, or Pearl, the manager on duty for tonight.  
She cursed the tears that began to pool in her eyes as she realised how caught she was in this situation, and just how much it was pushing her towards a flashback of her youth with her stepfather.

“I’m sorry you feel unsatisfied with your meal Sir, let me talk to the manager about offering you something in compensation” she made a move to go and discuss it with Pearl but was immediately frozen in place as she felt his hand slide over the back of her thighs and towards her ass

“Hey!” she cried out in shock, jumping away from him and as she did she heard another voice ring in her ears  
“Did you just fucking grab her ass?!”

Trixie looked up and saw a familiar woman, now standing from her booth, looking incredibly angry but she somehow still had a softness  in her eyes which she aimed at Trixie herself  
“Are you okay?” she felt the older womans hand rest against her back and immediately tensed again, but mumbled an apology quickly knowing the touch was only out of concern

“I think I just need a minute, I’ll be fine- thank you”

Trixie rushed back behind the counter and informed Pearl that there was a problem she couldn’t deal with and she needed to take her break now.  
The manager was confused at the girls behaviour but said she’d follow up with her later, and went to talk to the problem customer.

It had been difficult for Trixie to breathe properly since she felt his grabby hands against her, and her lungs felt as if they were being unmercifully clenched and cutting off her air. It was moments like this she wished she left the state for college, suddenly everything was all to familiar.   

_He snarled her name, with venom in his voice as he reached out for her across the kitchen  
“Your mother wont know baby” he promised, but that didn’t settle her, she didn’t want this._

_He’d never listened, nothing stopped his “innocent” touches all across her body as she had developed more during her teenage years._

“-Hey” the soft voice caught her attention and her eyes immediately switched over to the customer from inside who had helped her, the beautiful blonde “I needed to check you were okay”

Trixie, not trusting her voice, could only shrug in response, well aware that the gesture could be considered rude but clearly the other woman didn’t see it that way.    

“You did nothing wrong, you know that don’t you?” she offered, and at her words Trixie couldn’t stop the tears that had been threatening to fall from coming. She sniffled and tried desperately to hold herself together but she knew it wouldn’t happen, everything felt like too much.

“Can I give you a hug?”  
Trixie appreciated her asking permission, but immediately nodded, knowing she’d give anything for some innocent physical comfort right now. She sunk into the older womans grip and allowed herself to cry freely as all the bright blonde did was run a comforting hand through the younger girls messy hair

“You don’t deserve that treatment Trixie”

At the use of her name, she pulled back and her startled eyes met the ones opposite her  
“Your name tag” with a soft chuckle she quickly explained, which made Trixie offer her a watery smile  
“Sorry, yeah of-course!” the emotion caused her voice to break slightly, but nevertheless she kept speaking “what’s your name?”

“Yekaterina Zamolodchikova”

Trixie cocked her head slightly, trying to comprehend what the other woman had just said or how she’d even attempt pronouncing it without offending her, but she was flooded with relief when she let out a breathy laugh

“Don’t look so worried, you can call me Katya, that’s what most people do” Katya’s sincere smile brought a lot of comfort to Trixie and she couldn’t say she was sure why, especially since the woman was as good as a stranger to her 

“It’s a beautiful name” she admitted and she felt the blush rush to her cheeks at the thought of Katya actually _hearing_ her “God, sorry, that wasn’t very appropriate”

The Russian shook her head, and Trixie couldn’t help but feel her heart melt at the smile that spread across her face  
“Don’t apologise, I appreciate the compliment- especially from someone as sweet as you”

Trixie was never good at reading social queues or picking up on tones, but it was very clear to her that this conversation had taken a turn towards flirting. She tried to let her fear go, but all she could think was that she didn’t know this woman, she was clearly a lot younger than her and it just didn’t feel like a good idea for her to do this, as much as she wanted to. 

“I better go back to work” Trixie said and Katya nodded

“Of course, don’t let me keep you. Before you go, are you sure you’re alright?”

Trixie realised she was. Being around Katya had calmed her down and left a lightness in her heart.  
“I’m a lot better Katya, thank you for coming out here and talking with me”  
In a moment of bravery, she slipped her now chilly hand into the older womans and pressed her slightly glossed lips to her cheek.  
“You’re my knight in shining armour”

Katya lifted a hand to run it over the blonde girls cheek “You’re plenty capable of being your own knight in shining armour doll, remember that”

At her words, Trixie smiled again and offered her a small goodbye before ducking in the back doors of the kitchen.  
Once she had gotten back to the counter, relief flooded through her when she noticed the drunk man had either left of his own accord or had been thrown out by Pearl, and she could continue the nights last hour of service before going back to her college dorm to nap for a few hours, after all she did have class tomorrow morning.

“Hey, are you okay?” the question came from Adore this time and she turned around to find her holding a small slip of paper and some dirty dishes.  
“Yeah, I’m good now- sorry about earlier”

Trixie was still relevantly new here so she felt the need to apologise about everything, not limited to things that weren’t her fault.  
“Nah Trix’ don’t apologise, that guy was an ass- also, the woman at 3 left you this”

Adore held out the slip of paper and Trixie smiled as she read the phone number scrawled across it delicately accompanied by Katya’s looped signature.  
“I think she likes you, I’d noticed her smile at you when I was taking her order”

“Thanks Adore”

The waitress slipped the receipt with the number on it into her pocket carefully and tried to decide if she’d call her later. As much as she would like to get to know Katya, her mind wasn’t hesitant in throwing out plenty of reasons why she shouldn’t – number one being her own insecurity and baggage. Maybe it was better just leaving everything as it was, having the “kind stranger” vision of Katya and leaving it there?  
Either way, she reckoned this was something she could figure out some other time and she went back to watching the clock and waiting for it to signal her time to go back home.

Despite her best efforts all she could spend the rest of the night doing was thinking back over the brief time spent alone with Katya, and she felt herself smile softly at all the thoughts of the mysterious blonde.

A twinge hit her heart as she again considered calling her. She wanted to, she even took out the number and made a move to dial it into her phone, but she suddenly let out a deep sigh, balled up the paper and shoved it into her pocket to be thrown out later.  
She told herself she was making the right decision, and she knew she’d keep telling herself that until she was sure she believed it.

Everything about tonight was getting left here, confined to the past eight hours, including her knight in shining armour with the beautiful name and equally striking blue eyes. That’s what was best for everyone.  
  


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so thanks to a conversation with @Lulufeca I decided to continue this story!   
> I hope you all enjoy the direction I take it in!

Days had passed since that first night in the café when Trixie met Katya, she even thought it could have been weeks but her ability to remember specifics had dwindled as she got busier and busier. She could barely keep her head above water, the sheer volume of assignments she was getting at college could almost be considered inhumane. Adding insult to injury, the café seemed busier than ever too, so she was picking up extra shifts- or she _had_ to because the expense of being in college was really starting to take it’s toll on her.

It was early evening and Trixie was on her lunch break, which she was using to sit in the back booths in the dining area and work on her English Lit paper that was due that week. She was mindlessly eating a small pot of carrot sticks too as she wrote, and she was so caught up in the point she was making she almost missed the signalling Dela was using to catch her attention from behind the counter.

Trixie looked confused but turned and followed the dark haired girls line of sight, and that was when she spotted Katya taking her place in a booth the opposite end of the café.   
From the first minute she saw the older woman she felt the guilt ball tightly in her stomach and the wave of nausea hit her. How was she supposed to face Katya after completely blanking her?   
She had hoped maybe she’d get to avoid serving her, but upon looking at her phone she realised her break was almost over so that chance was almost at zero.

“She asked for you”

Those four words caused Trixie to drop her head back, and Adore, now standing opposite her, ran a hand over her arm in comfort   
“C’mon girl, just go and talk to her, it’ll be okay”

Trixie rolled her eyes and scoffed “Adore she left me her number and I didn’t call! This is not a conversation I’m ready to have”

All she could think of was Katya asking her to explain why, how was she supposed to do that? It’s not like she could start detailing specifics of her torment with this woman, and even if she felt she could say something or try to explain, she could bet Katya would have better things to do than piece together some broken college kid.

Adore didn’t want to push her, so she continued serving tables, but the younger girl wasn’t alone for long until she heard a familiar voice behind her   
“Trixie?”

Her nerves and guilt were clearly written all over her face because Katya immediately rested her cold hand against Trixie’s shoulder in a comforting gesture “would you mind if we spoke?”  
Of course the younger woman agreed, because she could hardly lie and say she was busy, or be more rude than she already had been by not calling.

There was a heavy silence between them both as soon as they were sitting opposite each other but Katya didn’t let that continue for long  
“Listen Trixie, I want to apologise to you-”

Anything Katya said after that was lost on Trixie because she immediately got swept into her thoughts. Katya was apologising to _her?_ What possible reason could she have for that?

“-wait, sorry, I missed that. Katya, you don’t need to apologise to me at all, if anyone needs to apologise it’s me!” she told the older woman who shook her head at the words

“I presumed when I shouldn’t have Trixie, I didn’t want to make you feel pressured or creeped out by me or anything, I just thought… well I don’t know what I thought, I’m sorry”

She appeared really well put together, even in the height of apologising and Trixie admired that about her. If only she had mastered that skill herself, it was very rare when Trixie felt put together.

“You presumed correctly Katya” her admission made their eyes draw together and meet in an intense gaze “and you did nothing wrong, okay?”  
That left the question hanging between them – then why hadn’t she called? – but Katya wasn’t about to bring that up and add more pressure to this conversation.

Trixie couldn’t stand the tension, it made her feel guilty. She felt the need to apologise, to beg for forgiveness but most of all to explain.  
“I’m sorry, I should’ve at least made some contact with you and tried to explain” she dropped her voice lower in fear of being overheard by the other waitresses, she didn’t need to start being teased about her life “I’m new to all of this, inexperienced- and I have a shit-ton of problems- I kinda just assumed you could do better”

Katya shook her head, and Trixie couldn’t read if the reaction was anger or not, which unsettled her slightly. That feeling eased however, when she spotted the look in her eyes- that trademark softness that she almost hoped Katya only ever directed at her.

“You made the wrong decision” Katya told her, but her tone wasn’t at all harsh it was matter of fact but not angry “if you were comfortable with it I think we at least deserve the chance to try this- even one date”

Trixie still felt somewhat apprehensive, and she was aware that things probably wouldn’t work out between them- but she really wanted a night outside of the café with this woman. She wanted to get to know her and possibly build something between them- at least until whenever it was that Katya wanted to leave.  

The waitress had never had loving relationships in her life, her father and mother were never together properly, in fact she’d never even met her Dad. A lot of her life it was just her and her Mom, and she was really thankful for those thirteen years when it was just the two of them, because she really formed an appreciation for what a strong woman her mother was, and how important it was to be a strong woman.

She had hoped to carry that strength into her own life, pass on what her mother had taught her, but every ounce of strength she had drained from her body the first night she was alone with her stepfather at fifteen.   
Now she was the furthest from strong imaginable. She was constantly fighting wars with herself, her mental health problems were untreated – by choice - and they were rapidly getting worse but worst of all to Trixie herself, she was scared. Everything outside of her normal routine of work and college frightened her, she never had confidence in her ability to handle pressure or change because once the fear gripped her, there wasn’t much chance of turning back.

“One date” Trixie suddenly pulled herself back to the conversation with the blonde opposite her “I’d like that”

For the first time in Trixie’s presence Katya really allowed herself to smile brightly and the waitress felt her heart clench at the sight, she was unspeakably beautiful.   
“Can I ask you something though?” Trixie suddenly said, and Katya nodded, encouraging her to continue “not that it matters to me, but out of curiosity – and please don’t be offended – but what age are you?”

Katya laughed to herself at the question, she had wondered when that topic would come up between them both.  
“I’m twenty six”

“Wow really?” Trixie blurted out, embarrassing herself slightly “I wouldn’t have guessed you were more than twenty three”  
She hadn’t intended on being so _smooth_ but still dorky in her own way, but it happened and Katya appreciated the compliment even if she doubted it’s truth.  
“What about you Trixie- I kinda have to ask now- am I on the verge of compromising any laws here?”

Trixie pouted playfully “You make it sound like I’m a child! I’m nineteen- I’ll be twenty next August”

That statement made Katya laugh out loud, a wheezy laugh that only made her more endearing to Trixie.   
“You say that as if August is coming up soon doll, you have almost a whole year to wait, it’s only November”

“I can be mature” she defended, in a way that disputed the truth of her words

“I have no doubt about that Trixie- but I have to ask, are you uncomfortable with the age difference?”   
For the first time, Trixie noticed that Katya appeared to be vulnerable and it caused her to reach across the table, over her long forgotten assignment and rest her hand on top of the other womans  
“Not at all Katya – are you?”

“No, once you’re okay with it I am”  
The blonde was honest, she usually dated women in their early twenties so this dynamic between them was familiar, but she had to be completely sure that the younger girl was comfortable with the seven year gap. In reality it wasn’t very much, but it still seemed important to discuss early in this… whatever this was between them.

“I’m sorry Kat, but I need to go back to work” Trixie slips her phone from her back pocket and unlocks it, handing it over “can I get your number- uh, again?”

It’s another couple of minutes before they finish up together and Katya retired back to her original booth while Trixie worked on take away orders at the counter and the whole time, they steal glances and smile sweetly at each other.    

Trixie noticed Katya making moves to leave the café and she felt the disappointment gather inside her. She was aware that emotional response was ridiculous because the woman would have to leave eventually, but she knew that, looking forward, the rest of the night would be boring without her presence.

Katya offers a shy wave from the door before she leaves and Trixie responds with a similar gesture, and she noted the unusually bright smile that was etched on her face the whole rest of the evening and attributed it to the older blonde.  


	3. Chapter 3

Trixie had been awake for close to fifteen hours and her eyes felt heavy with tiredness, but that was in wild contrast to the thumping in her chest that been plaguing her since she woke at five this morning. Her anxiety had been in overdrive all day – to the point where she felt it was necessary to skip her last class of the day – but that only increased her anxiety more if she was honest with herself.

She had run through every outfit in her closet, twice, but was yet to find something she thought would work well for dinner. Katya had suggested they go to an Italian restaurant that Trixie had never noticed before- it was a five minute walk from the café where she seemed to have been spending all of her time lately so she was surprised when she realised she’d missed it, but she did consider that she was sometimes too lost in her head to be observant.

Mentally she pieced together different combinations of clothes, she’d even considered one of her favourite pale pink dresses but the November weather went against her on that choice.   
Finally, she settled on a plush cream woollen jumper that was littered with stich-on cat patterns and some black form fitting jeans.

Her phone buzzed just as she was gathering her belongings together to leave, and as soon as Katya’s name flashed up on the screen she felt her heart sink. Questions raced through her mind instantly – was she texting to cancel? Had she decided this was a bad idea, or maybe that Trixie was too young for her after all?

A tremble quickly became apparent in her hand, which made swiping to unlock the phone a difficult feat but she managed it, and as soon as the green text bubble popped up she felt the clench in her chest dissipate

_I can’t wait to see you_

It was simple, but it was something Trixie wouldn’t have even considered sending and that made her feel all the more special in that moment. Katya was thinking about her, actually she was _excited_ to see her! She couldn’t help but wonder what made her company so appealing, but nevertheless it obviously was to Katya so she tried to accept it.

The walk to the Italian was fast, maybe too fast Trixie thought as she noted her pace was almost twice what the other pedestrians seemed to be doing – but she was used to that. Whenever she had to be somewhere on a deadline she was sure that she left as early as possible and she got there quickly. Even the idea of just being on time for something was foreign to her- she was always early.

Checking her phone again, she realised she was close by and almost twenty minutes early, so she was surprised to spot Katya perched against the olive green wall of the restaurant.   
She looked wonderful, in fact Trixie felt put to shame by the flowing red dress that fell at Katya’s shins and even by the faded leather jacket that was just short of clinging to her highlighted figure.

“Trixie!” the blonde broke into a full smile at the sight of her “wow, you look beautiful”  
The younger woman blushed in response, but smiled shyly too.

“I feel underdressed- you look stunning”

Katya took her hand and squeezed it, her smile still set on her face   
“You’re perfectly dressed doll, don’t fret”

Trixie noted that Katya had given her a nickname. Obviously she had realised her using it before but it was consistent enough now that Trixie considered it to be a name given specifically to her, between them. She liked it.

They made their way inside and Katya spoke to the man at the check-in podium in a way that suggested to Trixie that they knew each other well, and she wondered if her date frequented here. Was this where she took all of her dates? Did she spend evenings here alone, but contented by her own company- unlike Trixie would be in that situation.

“How was class?” Katya asked, as she poured two glasses of water and set them out in front of them

Trixie smiled and thanked her before answering her question  
“Yeah it was okay, I had an assignment to turn in this morning but I actually skipped my last class”

Katya raised an eyebrow  
“You did?” her tone wasn’t accusatory, but Trixie still sensed something was off

She felt her face flush as she answered   
“I was kinda nervous about all this”

Her admission prompted Katya to offer her a small smile, hoping it would reassure her.  
“I understand, I’ve noticed you seem to worry quite a lot” she paused to take a mouthful of the ice water she had poured “but if something feels off about this for you just tell me Trixie, I don’t want you to feel uncomfortable and not know. It’s okay”

Trixie really appreciated her words, and even felt like they had quelled the anxiety inside her just a little bit. Katya seemed to be someone she could open up to, she made a point of making that clear to her, even though they didn’t know each other all too well. It was almost like she understood how it felt to be anxious.

“Thank you, I’ll tell you if I need to, but I’m okay- really” she dropped the napkin that she had mindlessly been fiddling with and met the older womans eyes “so, tell me about you, I don’t know much besides your name”

Katya chuckled at that “okay, well I grew up in Boston-”

 “-Ah yes, your name really reflects that” Trixie joked and the older woman rolled her eyes at the comment  
“Wow, yeah, I never heard that one before”

Katya went on to explain herself, including her Fathers Russian background and the inspiration her parents had drawn on for her name and Trixie had to admit to herself that she was caught up in every single word that fell from the blondes perfectly styled red lips.

“I feel like I’m only discussing myself” Katya commented after another few minutes talking about her interests in sci-fi movies and her rather diverse music playlist “tell me something about you, Trix”

The younger girl toyed with the sleeve of her jumper out of Katya’s line of sight. She had nothing worth sharing, and she knew that. There were certain topics she had steered clear of – mainly her mental health and her family – but once she stripped those things away it was painfully obvious the only other things she could talk about were college or work.

“Are you okay?”

Trixie noticed the concern written all over the blondes face at her extended pause   
“I’m really awkward” she admitted with a heavy sigh “-sorry-but really I don’t have very much to tell you. I grew up here- well actually about a fifty minute drive from here but I got to move down when I started college”

“Oh wow, so you like living close to home?”

Trixie could see how someone would make that assumption, but no.   
“Actually, if I had the chance I’d get as far away from here as humanly possible”

Her complete honesty surprised Katya, who was unsure on how to respond so simply just nodded.  
“Home is kind of a sensitive topic” Trixie continued “I’m not very close to my mother or her new husband, and I never really knew my Dad”

Katya attempted to offer her a warm smile as she reached over for the younger girls hand  
“We don’t need to talk about this, tell me about college instead, or the café! I see you working a lot- how do you balance the time so well because it’s really admirable!”

“I sleep in the shower” Trixie deadpanned, causing Katya to laugh again – and making her proud of that, she loved that Katya found her amusing

“With how busy you are doll, I don’t doubt it”

The night continued much the same, maybe even better Trixie cautiously estimated as she felt she had loosened up and talked a little more openly with Katya who seemed interested in everything she had to say.   
It was nice to really feel listened to for once - she found herself thinking during a comfortable silence between them before they finished up their meals.

“I had a nice night” Trixie admitted “thank you for inviting me out”

Her words surprised them both, especially herself, but Katya broke into a smile.  
“I really enjoyed tonight too, maybe we could meet again soon?”

Trixie had told herself that this would be one date, she’d basically promised herself, but in that moment all she wanted to do was agree to meeting her again. She _needed_ to.   
Relationships and dating and anything even remotely related to those two topics scared her, however she couldn’t help but wonder if things could be worth it if she just held out a little longer.

“I’d like that”


	4. Chapter 4

“Tracy!!”

Trixie awoke with a start to a pounding on her dorm door, and even with her mind still fogged with sleep she recognised the voice- her mother.  
The fact that she was being called Tracy was another good indication it was her if the voice wasn’t enough, there were only two people who called her that, her mother and stepfather- and she hated it.

“I’m coming Mom” she shouted out, still hoarse

Upon opening the door, her confusion on this whole situation was written all over her face, but her mother failed to notice.  
“Tracy, oh good Lord! I haven’t heard from you in over a week!” the older woman pulled her into a crushing hug “you could have text me back dear, I was worried for you”

“Sorry Mom, I’ve been really busy. What made you call though?”  
Trixie hated to sound ungrateful, because despite the rocky relationship with her she did care about the woman, but she was busy today.

“Well you weren’t calling me, I thought it’d be better to see you in person” her mother answered as she scanned the cramped dorm which Trixie had to admit was getting out of control. It was incredibly untidy, she had random clothes flung over most flat surfaces and her sink was piled high with dishes that she’d been neglecting for close to days.

“I have to go to work soon Mom”  
It wasn’t a lie, but really she had almost three hours before she had to start her afternoon shift in the café. For the first time in a while Trixie was looking forward to work, all due to the fact that last night Katya and her had been talking and the blonde had said she’d call in after work to see Trixie on her lunch break.

“I wont overstay my welcome, I just wanted to see you – are you doing okay? Look at this place” she gestured to the clothes-covered couch “I raised you to be a better woman than this Tracy”

 _Actually you raised me to have crippling anxiety and trauma_ – was her reflex thought but of course she couldn’t admit that, especially since it all wasn’t on her mother.  
“I’m exhausted Mom, I know this place isn’t clean but I’ll get on top of it when I can spend some time here that isn’t just for sleep”

“You’re going to burn out” she stated matter-of-factly and if Trixie was honest she thought her mother might be right.

As she gathered together her work uniform and made moves to pull her wavy blonde hair up into a ponytail, giving the impression she was making moves towards getting ready to leave, she replied  
“I can take care of myself, I’m an adult”  
Her mother was slightly taken-aback Trixie noticed but she was rather proud of herself, she decided to keep going while she was on a roll  
“Also, I’ve told you for almost three years now Mom, my name isn’t Tracy”

“Have you changed it?”

Trixie smiled, the pride in herself shining through “I did”  
It was the first ‘adult’ thing she had done, and she’d wasted no time in doing it once she legally could, she’d been going by Trixie among friends since she was sixteen.

“I still don’t understand why you felt the need to”

Trixie felt guilty at the sadness in her Mothers voice, and she knew she hated the decision she had made but it was something she had to do, for herself. She couldn’t keep hearing that name in the way he said it. It threw her into flashback after flashback at her worst, especially when a man would call on her, and she knew it needed to be changed.

“I always preferred Trixie Mom, especially after what happened”

It was that comment that caused the stern look to fall on her mothers face, and Trixie instantly regretted mentioning it again.  
“You’re still talking about that rubbish?” she questioned, sounding eerily calm, but Trixie knew what was lurking underneath the deceptive tone

 “I don’t want to get into this now Mom, I really need to get ready for work”

Her mother gave in, and they said some curt goodbyes before Trixie was left alone again. She sunk onto her bed and let out an exasperated sigh as she reminded herself to call her mother the next time to avoid another uncomfortable visit like that one. She had herself to blame really, she shouldn’t have mentioned the _‘rubbish’,_ she knew what side her mother was on - or more so who she believed but she couldn’t resist.

Her stomach twisted as she felt the familiar nausea start up inside her. This was not how she wanted to start her Saturday morning.

* * *

It’d been hours since her Mother had left, and Trixie was at work but still hadn’t recovered from her visit, if anything her whole mood had deteriorated. She was completely lost in her head, she’d already had to actively push away a flashback as best she could and she had to run out the back to be sick too, which luckily nobody had noticed or so she had thought.

“Trixie?” she felt a hand drop against her elbow as she was cleaning the coffee machine, and turned in surprise at the touch

“Bianca- what can I do for you?” she instantly straightened up opposite her boss, hoping that whatever the task was wouldn’t drag her too far from the counter, Katya shouldn’t be too much longer, she said she’d be here around seven

“Could we talk?”

Those words made the fear push up into a lump in her throat. Her mind instantly spit out the negatives too her- this was it, she was being fired. By the time they had gotten to Bianca’s office out the back she had her locker mentally cleared out and was picking up her last pay check

“Have a seat Trixie” her boss told her and Trixie was happy to hear that because she thought maybe her legs would give way they were trembling so violently

“Breathe a little girl, this isn’t a professional talk” Bianca told her and that was slight comfort to the younger girl. There was a brief silence between them before the woman continued “I needed to check in with you, you aren’t looking very fresh today and I wanted to see if you needed someone to lend an ear”

Trixie appreciated her concern, but she couldn’t consider talking about this with Bianca. She couldn’t face the look of pity she’d get if she did.  
“I’m sorry about my appearance” she instinctively apologised “I had a really chaotic morning, and things are a little bit messy for me now- but, uh, that’s not an excuse, I’ll fix myself up”

“Trixie, I’m concerned for you not trying to make you change” Bianca insisted and Trixie’s mouth fell into an ‘o’ shape

She wasn’t used to this. Bianca and Katya were both being really kind to her and she’d finally settled into some adult friendships in the form of Dela and Adore. She was never good socially, she had _some_ friends in school but they were only temporary, and even at the time she knew that.  
“Thanks Bianca, I really appreciate knowing you’re here for me. I’m not doing great today, and the stress of everything is making me sick” she admitted with some hesitation, not wanting to somehow risk her job from this conversation

“Jesus Trixie, you should have told me you were under so much pressure! Is there anything I can do to help you?”

Trixie swallowed thickly  
“Actually, is there any chance I could go home for tonight? I’ll be in for my shift tomorrow, and I’ll be one hundred percent here- I promise, but-“

“You go Trixie, and if you can’t make it tomorrow call me and let me know. I know you’re busy with college too, but I don’t want to lose you from here in the long run” Bianca was honest, and her words surprised Trixie “I know you’ve only been here for a short time but I like you, and you work hard. Take some time to feel better if you feel the need to and know your job is here”

Trixie wiped away the tear that had rolled down her cheek  
“Thank you so much” her voice hitched a little as she replied, overcome by her bosses kindness, this wasn’t what she had expected coming into work today but she was glad now it had.

They said their goodnights, and Trixie grabbed her belongings from her locker, and that was when she noticed a text from Katya  
_Still up for some coffee together?_

She noticed it was almost twenty past seven, and mumbled a swear to herself before rushing out from the back to search for her.

Katya was spotted instantly, she was standing at the counter laughing with Dela about something, which caused a pang of jealousy to hit Trixie, irrationally she was sure.  
“I’m so sorry” she apologised as she walked out from behind the counter to join Katya “I’m getting my coffee to go if that’s okay, I’m going home”

Katya immediately felt concerned for the woman  
“Are you alright?”

Trixie nodded and pressed a small kiss to Katya’s cheek, almost as a reassurance  
“I’ll explain later, but I’m alright now”       


	5. Chapter 5

As they walked out of the café into the cold, Trixie audibly let out a shiver, prompting Katya to take off her own coat and drape it around the younger girl.  
That left Katya herself in just her lycra tshirt but she didn’t mind. Trixie looked up at her and offered a small smile as a thank you, but it was then she noticed just how good Katya looked. The whole outfit looked like she had just walked out of a gym, with the tight black leggings and the deep blue tshirt and it occurred to Trixie that she had never asked what Katya’s job actually was.

“You’re a… personal trainer?” Trixie guessed, which made Katya smile

“Not quite yet, I’m a yoga teacher” she gestured to the bag slung over her shoulder with what Trixie assumed was a yoga peering out of the top of it “I enjoy it, it was what I always what I wanted to do- well, that and be a princess but that was when I was five”

Trixie laughed, despite her sour mood, and reached her free hand out to take Katyas.  
“That’s amazing, to stick with your dreams and aspirations and really follow through”

She really did admire that about the older woman, and she wished she had the same dedication or general passion. Everything about her future scared Trixie, she had no idea of what she wanted to do anymore and even if she had, she feared she lacked the general motivation to do it. She wasn’t ready to be a ‘real’ adult, someone who could function successfully in the world.

“So what’s going on?” the concern for Trixie dripped from Katya’s question “why did you get sent home, did something happen?”

Trixie shook her head “it wasn’t like that, I asked to go home and Bianca was worried about me so she wanted me to go and get some rest”

“What worried her? What happened?”   
Trixie sensed the panic rising in Katya, and it almost made her wonder if the other woman understood anxiety the same way she did.

“My mom showed up unannounced this morning” she sighed as she recalled the day again, it’d been nice to get a break from thinking about it, even for five minutes while they had talked about Katya’s job.  
“It wasn’t good… she really set me off and my anxiety snapped into overdrive. I was a mess all day”

It was the first time she had said it out loud, really admitted she had anxiety. She had refused a professional diagnosis out of complete fear of opening up about the probable cause of it, but she knew it was there, like a little monster trapped inside her.

Katya noticed the younger girl on the verge of tears and felt her heart ache for her, she understood anxiety all too well- luckily now she had it more under control than ever before but that didn’t change the fact it was there and she had first hand experience of an anxious episode.

“It’s okay to have this reaction to a stressful situation doll, or any situation really, anxiety does that to you- it makes you feel powerless, unfortunately in the times when you usually need the most power”

Her explanation was nothing short of perfect and it left Trixie in awe.  
“You have it too, don’t you?”

Katya nodded as she took another drink of her coffee  
“I do, and have had it for as long as I can remember” she commented “I’m lucky though, it’s been worse than this but I learned some tools to cope”

“Any chance you want to share them?” Trixie laughed as she asked, but despite the joking tone she knew she’d appreciate something if Katya could help her

“Actually, I started seeing someone, a counsellor” Trixie could see that the admission bothered Katya by her brief pause “it wasn’t easy, but it did help, eventually”  
They fell into a silence, both lost in their own thoughts, but Trixie was the first to break it.

“She dismisses my feelings, nothing I feel is ever right to her. No matter how much pressure I ever put on myself she always feels the need to add more” Trixie sighs, and the bitterness was clearly heard in her tone “Today was just too much for me, I’m so tired”

At that admission, the other woman spoke up.  
“Do you want to go home- or possibly go to mine? We could relax together, I could make us something to eat if you’re hungry too?”

The offer struck fear in Trixie. White hot fear that she felt rush through her veins with every passing second she didn’t answer. What if Katya expected something to happen between them? She didn’t want that- not tonight, not without explaining everything that happened to her, but her fear of disappointing her shot up too. She had repeated thoughts of _‘you aren’t good enough’_ and _‘she deserves better’_ as she fumbled to find a response

“I-I… don’t know if I can” she simply stated, but that was enough to highlight to Katya what Trixie obviously thought she’d been implying

“Trixie- I didn’t mean anything by inviting you home, I don’t expect anything” she clarified, and she saw Trixie visibly relax

“Ugh, sorry, I’m such a basket case”

Katya shook her head, trying to deny the womans critical self assessment “no, you’re on guard which is okay and understandable. We can do whatever makes you most comfortable Trixie, if you want to just go home alone tell me and I’ll walk you back”

They hadn’t been going in the direction of her dorm, in fact they’d been aimlessly walking the opposite way and Trixie wasn’t sure if she had the energy to get home if she was honest with herself.   
“Do you live far from here?” she asked and Katya shook her head

“Actually that’s what made me ask, I live a couple of minutes away- you see that building up there?” she gestured to a red brick four storey in the distance that looked severely weather beaten even from far away “it’s just around that corner”

The thought of getting to spend the evening with Katya made Trixie feel comfortable, and she felt she needed to hold onto that feeling as It came since it was so rare.  
“Okay, lets go to your place”      

With every step she took closer to Katya’s home she felt her heart was in her mouth, she wrote it down as anxiety and willed herself to calm down but the panic kept rising in her.

She never wanted a relationship, she never planned for one, she was always contented to imagine a life surrounded by some leafy plants and maybe a dog. Romance wasn’t something she was good at- as much as she wished she was, but she was too awkward. She said the wrong things, she was fatter than what was considered ‘conventionally attractive’ – a standard she hated but still desperately tried to live up to.

A relationship wasn’t a good idea for Trixie as far as she could see, so what was she doing trying to have one?  
She knew she’d only mess it up in the end anyway.    

They arrived at the door, and Katya made a point of stopping them before they went inside.  
“Trix, are you sure you want to come in, we don’t have to if you don’t want to”

The question fell on deaf ears, because Trixie was trapped in what Katya imagined wasn’t her first anxiety attack of the day. She was hardly breathing, appearing almost afraid to, she’d sunken into herself entirely but scariest of all for Katya, the younger girls eyes had gone glassy and she appeared completely zoned out.  
Katya was familiar with anxiety and panic attacks, but she was always the ones experiencing them, never dealing with another person having them and when she saw it happening to someone else she had to admit she felt somewhat helpless.

She immediately slipped her coat from Trixies shoulders and set it down on the steps of her building, offering the rigid girl somewhere to sit. Carefully, she guided her down and once seated immediately she sat next to her and began attempting to offer her some comfort to try and coax her out of herself.

“Listen to me Trixie, really try and listen to me..” she began to run her hand over the womans back in an up and down motion “this is going to be okay, you just need to take some deep breaths and listen to me, okay?”

Katya felt as if she had been speaking for hours when she noticed Trixie slowly gain more awareness of her surroundings. She violently shivered due to the chilly November wind and Katya helped her stand up before wrapping her coat around her shoulders again

“C’mon Trixie, we’re going to get a cab back to your dorm”  


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for the number of reviews/reads/kudos on this story! I'm really glad you're enjoying reading it as much as I'm enjoying writing it.  
> This is basically just some mild-fluff before the angst hits, so prepare yourselves!

By the time they were in the cab together, Trixie was fully back to herself although she was still confused on what had happened. The last thing she remembered in full was the red brick building she had spotted down the street, and then she was here- but she knew exactly why she’d lost the time, she was used to the aftermath of her anxiety attacks.

Katya was squeezing her hand firmly, Trixie noticed, and she could feel her concern radiating from her. She’d wanted to say she was fine but she didn’t think that’d help.  
“Thank you Katya, sorry about this”

“Don’t apologise Trix, it’s okay” Katya ran her thumb over the back of Trixies hand as she spoke “I’m just glad you’re doing a little better now”

They fell back into silence until the cab rolled to a stop outside her colleges main gates and Trixie looked over at the blonde in confusion   
“Why are we here?”

Katya felt the heat rise in her cheeks at the question and cursed herself at the reaction, she hated being visibly embarrassed so much purely because of how she blushed a deep red colour that was in screaming contrast to her cream skin.

“I checked your purse” she gestured to the open purse sitting between them on the seat “and it had your Student ID but gave no indication to where you lived, there were a couple of different dorm buildings so I didn’t want to guess so just decided on the main gates-“

Trixie cut her off, this time by squeezing her hand  
“Kat, it’s okay. I was just confused for a sec- I’m still a little foggy, sorry”

After rifling through her purse, Trixie made an attempt to pay the driver, whose fare kept rising with every minute he was parked there listening to them talk but Katya refused. She instead paid and then asked him to wait for her, with promises of a generous tip if he did.

Trixie raised an eyebrow in question at her direction to the driver “you aren’t coming in?”

Katya hesitated briefly   
“I didn’t think it was a good idea to assume, I thought you might want to be alone”

Immediately Trixie shook her head “no, if you didn’t mind I’d much rather you came back with me”

She couldn’t say no to that, even if she had wanted to, so Katya stood out of the cab, paid the driver his generous tip regardless and told him to have a nice night, leaving them alone together as Trixie directed them towards the quickest way back to her dorm.

“I need to apologise in advance” she pointed out as they walked together, her mothers comments from earlier in the day about her living area jumping to the forefront of her mind “the dorm is a bit of a mess- actually it’s a pigsty, I haven’t had any free time at home lately where I could clean so, yeah..”

Katya dismissed her with a wave “oh doll, if only you’d seen my apartment- mess doesn’t bother me at all, and anyway I know how busy you are”

In that moment Trixie realised, that a woman who she met properly for the first time two weeks ago, was kinder to her than her own mother was.  
“You’re being so sweet to me” she commented as she unlocked the door and Katya just offered a small smile in response

“This place is actually quite cute” the older woman remarked as she looked around the dorm. It was only really a small kitchen and an adjoined living area which doubled as a bedroom but it seemed adequate for student accommodation “do you like it here?”

“I don’t have far to walk to class, so that’s nice but yeah, other than that I haven’t done much else here” Katya looked surprised, which caused Trixie to pause her frenzied tidying and straighten up “what?”

“You really do only sleep here don’t you”

Trixie laughed at how obvious her poor living patterns were “did my pile of pizza boxes give me away?”   
Katya rolled her eyes in a playful way “so, you don’t cook?”

As she watched her throw her no longer scattered laundry into a basket in the corner of the room, Katya heard Trixie scoff.  
“I can burn things- that’s what I’ve discovered since I moved in here” she said with a smile, which made the blonde woman laugh “-and I mean I’ll burn anything. I managed to fuck up rice Katya, okay,  _rice_ ”

Her heavy laugh from before developed into one with more of a wheeze and Trixie ended up laughing with her.  
“How do you work in a café that serves food without being able to cook?”

“I’m not the fucking chef Katya” she quipped and Katya turned to face the wall in an attempt to control her laugh, which couldn’t happen when she was still focusing on the younger girl  
“I hate you” she just about managed to say as she recovered from her fit of laughter, and Trixie was left smiling as she wiped away her own tears of joy

“Oh honey, we both know that’s not true”

Once it was cleared off, the two of them ended up sitting on the couch together. Katya dropped an arm across Trixie’s midsection as she scrolled through Netflix looking for a movie they could watch and in that moment the older blonde really appreciated what had developed between them both.

It was still early for them, in reality they hadn’t even properly kissed yet, but still she could pinpoint a feeling of adoration she had only ever felt once before in the twelve years she had been dating different people.  
There was a lot in the potential relationship that was a cause for concern in Katya’s eyes, most of all the younger girls fragile state, but she tried to push that to one side and just enjoy what was happening for now.

“Are you okay?” Trixie asked as she felt the heavy silence that had fallen between them

Katya smiled softly and began toying loosely with the hem of Trixie’s work shirt  
“I’m really good doll, I like spending time with you”

Trixie found that difficult to believe, but appreciated it regardless because she could tell that Katya really meant it.  
“You’re sweet, aren’t you? For some reason I thought you’d be more of a closed off person but you really aren’t” the admiration in her voice was obvious and Katya took it as a compliment, after all it wasn’t the first time she’d been misjudged in that way

“I like honesty in relationships, communication. I think it’s important”   
It was a casual statement, but it made Trixie feel rather guilty. She wondered if she kept her past from Katya for much longer would she be upset about it, or feel like she almost didn’t trust her enough to speak about it?

“I mean, if you’re happy in a moment why shouldn’t you tell someone?” Katya continued, oblivious to the whirlwind forming in the younger girls mind

Trixie hummed a small response, as she finally found a movie in the sci-fi section she remembered Katya mentioning on their first date.  
  
“Ah! Contact! I love this movie”  
At her obvious delight, Trixie felt the pride rise in herself. If she was going to go out on a limb and attempt a relationship she wanted to do everything she could to make Katya happy. Trixie wanted to offer her the things in a relationship that she needed- she wasn’t sure if she could, or how good she’d be at all of that but she thought that maybe this was a good start.

The movie was long- well in Trixies eyes it was- but Katya visibly enjoyed every second of the two and a half hours. Her eyes lit up as the credits rolled and she discussed Jodie Fosters character in detail, making Trixie far more caught up in the dull movie than she had been before.

"It's so great! Thanks for watching it with me" 

Katya shifted and turned fully towards Trixie leaving them face-to-face. There was a more intense silence blanketed over them, one that felt a lot more charged to Trixie and she briefly thought this would lead to her highlighting that she didn't want anything sexual to happen again, but to her surprise it didn't.

"Trixie, I don't know what you're comfortable with- and please tell me if you aren't.." Katya started, her concern and nervousness around the whole situation clear "but could I kiss you?"

The younger girl felt her anxiety spike- she knew she wanted to kiss Katya, and she definitely appreciated the other woman asking her permission but she had no idea how to do this. Inexperienced felt like an understatement in this situation.

"We don't have to Trix' - you can say no" Katya reassured but Trixie shook her head.

She wanted to do this now.

Reaching over she took Katyas free hand into hers before she started speaking  
"I want this, I'm just not really sure on what to do- no, wait that sounds stupid? I mean-"

Katya cut off the rambling explanation by placing her hand delicately against the girls cheek   
"It's not stupid doll, it’s okay to be nervous round your first time doing something like this. I need you to listen to me though, I’m not going to judge you- on this or anything. I only want you to be comfortable and if you aren’t one hundred percent okay with doing this now then we can wait until you are”

Trixies eyes welled up with tears in response to the compassion she was being offered. She never felt so safe with anyone before, and really Katya had been making her feel that way ever since that night in the café.

“I want - you to kiss me Katya” she said through the break in her voice “I’m sure”

The older woman positioned herself on her knees leaving her just slightly above Trixie, a way which allowed her to lean down and press their lips together in what was at first the most innocent kiss she could offer.

It didn’t take long for her to notice Trixies tension, and she made a move to pull back and check she was okay but the younger blonde stopped her by leaning back in and causing their lips to meet again.

It was awkward sure, with some spots of drool running down her chin and their teeth clashing just once, but Trixie knew that’d go away as she got more practiced.  
And in that moment, as they broke apart and two beaming smiles split across their faces, Trixie couldn’t have been more relieved that she decided to take a risk with the older woman who was rapidly becoming a very important part of her life. 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Sexual Assault, Drug & Alcohol use

Before Trixie knew it, it was December, and just as fast as the days seemed to be passing by her life seemed to be crumbling before her eyes.  
It’d been a little over two weeks since she’d last seen Katya, at least outside of the café, and that was due to how busy they had both gotten. Trixie was really struggling with her academic workload, especially with her upcoming exams, but more than that her mental health had plummeted.

She was barely making it through every day with just one anxiety attack, she was forcing herself to keep pushing through and attend class despite the looming flashbacks and her constant fatigue. Usually she wouldn’t, when things got this bad during the summer she could just stay in bed all day, but that wasn’t an option as a _‘real woman in the real world’_ as her mother would often tell her.

The café was another problem, but to avoid another pity talk with Bianca or worse, being fired, she refused let that show.

“Trixie, are you busy now?” Dela asked her as they both closed up the café that night, a duty she was being taught to do since she was still relatively new there.  
The blonde shrugged, she knew she should go home and study, or maybe try and sleep since it was quickly approaching midnight but based off the past few nights of broken sleep she wasn’t holding out much hope there.

“Oh good!” the dark haired girl exclaimed “I’m meeting some friends now, Adore invited us both if you’re interested?” 

Without hesitation Trixie agreed and they both made their way down the street. Dela was excitedly babbling about a new man she had met and an apparently interesting encounter with Bianca from yesterday when Trixie had left from her afternoon shift, but the blonde was too zoned out to listen.

All she could focus on was how close they were to the familiar red brick building she remembered from her walk with Katya a couple of weeks ago, and she figured they were close by to her house too. Now that she thought of it, maybe visiting Katya tonight instead of going and doing whatever she was doing with her colleagues would have been better, but she had agreed now and turning up at her dates house unannounced at midnight may not be socially acceptable.

“We’re here!” Dela announced after what Trixie thought was another five minutes of walking and she made the move to push open a rather beaten up looking wooden door, without so much as a knock. Something felt off, she had assumed that the people she had begun to consider friends at work wouldn’t put her in any kind of danger but everything about her surroundings screamed the opposite.

She closely followed Dela through an apartment that was, impressively enough, messier than her own and stank of a sharp odour she didn’t recognise as well as one she very much did, whiskey.  
Swallowing thickly, she tried to pull herself away from the edge she’d been thrust towards at the smell of her stepfathers drink of choice, but thankfully her eyes fell on a room of around ten people which was enough of a distraction for her.

“Trix! You came!” Adore exclaimed from the corner of the room, startling the aforementioned girl a little but she covered it well with a polite smile  
“I did! Thanks for inviting me Adore!”

She glanced around the room and noticed everyone had broken off into their own little groups of twos and threes but there were two things in common regardless of what group you were in – alcohol and smoking.

_Trixie felt very out of place._

“Want some?” Adore offered casually, not stating which she was offering

The blonde hesitated, she didn’t want to seem prudish by rejecting but she also didn’t like the idea of admitting she hadn’t tried either activity before.   
“What are you offering?”

At her words Adore smiled, a smile that suggested something almost like approval, and it caused a clash of emotions within Trixie.  
“You have a choice” the black haired girl began, and she approached a cabinet half way across the room, motioning for Trixie to follow her “lets see, whiskey, vodka- I think Courtney or Alaska might have wine over there with them too? And weed- if you’re interested”

_Trixie felt overwhelmed._

“Vodka” she decided, not wanting to relive her nightmares with whiskey or bother the girls Adore had mentioned who apparently had wine “and I haven’t done weed before”

Adore nodded “yeah I got that impression alright, if you don’t want to do it don’t worry about it- there’s no pressure here”

Trixie appreciated the reassurance Adore offered, but she wanted to do this. She’d heard so many wild college stories growing up and so far the wildest thing she had done since starting college was hand in an assignment a little too close for comfort to a deadline. She was hardly a party girl by anyone’s standards and she wanted to use tonight to change that, even just for a few hours.

“I have no objection to trying it, I mean, you only live once, right?” she commented, making Adore laugh out loud, and Trixie couldn’t tell if it was in a mocking way or a playful way  
“Oh _girl_ , you did not just say YOLO”

Before she had time to ask what was wrong with the statement, Adore had handed her a rather generously filled disposable cup of vodka

“Mixers are over there” she gestured to a table which looked to only have a cheap lemon-lime soda and some kind of can of energy drink Trixie didn’t recognise the brand of  
She made her way over and opted for the soda, having heard of the dangers of mixing alcohol and energy drinks together.

“Are you sure about this?”   
Adore appeared next to her again and nodded to what looked to be a perfectly rolled cigarette in her hand. Trixie had thought they looked different than that but she didn’t dare question Adore or anyone else in the room about it because she hated to look uncool, or be frowned upon.

“It can’t hurt to try it once Adore, and who knows maybe it’ll calm me the fuck down”

Adore clearly appreciated her comment based off the laugh she offered, and she quickly lit the rollup before handing it over   
“Go slow with it okay, and make sure you inhale”

Trixie was always good at taking direction, and she sat at one of the only free spaces on the couches and did as she was instructed, taking a sip of the vodka after every drag.   
This was so foreign to her, although she had to admit the fact that she was here doing this was something she was proud of herself for.

She was beyond fed up of being the good girl, of working hard at everything and only getting average grades, less than average pay and declining mental health issues in return. She figured if she was going to be ‘typical’, she might as well let loose a little.

It took some time, but Trixie started to notice the change in her behaviour. If she was speaking out loud she was sure she’d be slurring her words, but to her relief, her mind was no longer racing. She was still thinking of the things she wished she didn’t have to but at what could be considered a more acceptable pace. Her thoughts weren’t getting cut off half way into themselves by another more disturbing or crushing thought, she wasn’t panicked.

But she was still herself. Everything was still there.   
The visions of one of his hands pinning her to the couch by her shoulder, of the other hand travelling up her thigh under her favourite pink skirt, everything. It was all there, still clearly burnt into her mind, but now she could actually feel it instead of willing it away, she didn’t like that.

She pushed herself up onto her somewhat unsteady feet and abandoned her almost empty cup on the table close by. She knew she needed to get out of there, she wasn’t going to break and cry in front of a room full of perfect strangers and her co-workers.

She swore she heard someone call her name as she hurried towards the door that herself and Dela had come in through earlier that night, but she made a point of ignoring whoever it was and just kept going until she reached the street.

Disappearing around the corner of the building she rested against the cool bricks and allowed herself to take a few deep breaths, somehow hoping that’d counteract her intoxication, but unsurprisingly it didn’t. Her mind flashed with different memories, each one more sickening to her than the last and she couldn’t seem to stop the tears from rolling down her cheeks as it all came back to her clearer than ever before.  

She hated to admit it but _\- Trixie felt scared._


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Sexual Assault, Drug & Alcohol mentions

The street lights and those from the passing cars all seemed to blur together to Trixie as she staggered down the sidewalk in what she hoped was the direction of her college dorms. She tried her best to get through what she was feeling but it just wasn't happening, she was upset, she was scared and she needed help.   
She considered briefly going back and talking to Dela, because she seemed comforting and kind, but that idea got dismissed almost as fast as it came. Her next one, however, didn't. Katya.

Through her hazy view she tried to figure out what building she'd need to go into to find the woman, but it was futile, she was too far gone to even hazard a guess. Slipping her phone from her pocket, she felt her guilt over this whole situation chew away at her, she's turning up drunk and stoned at her dates house and she can't even explain why she's so upset.   
She hit call, and within three rings the call had connected

"Trixie? Are you okay? What's wrong?"

It was late, and Trixie had never called her before so she figured Katya had all right to be worried, and the blonde definitely sounded like she was.   
"Kat, I'm on your street- I'm trying to find you" her words came out all mostly slurred together, giving away her intoxicated state and within seconds she saw the lights in the hall of a nearby apartment building light up.

It wasn't long until Katya appeared at her building door, her hair out of place and clad only in a deep red night dress. Upon seeing Trixie just down the street, Katyas heart sank instantly. She didn't know what was going on but she vowed to find out as soon as she possibly could because she recognised the signs of intoxication as if they were a family member.

She raced to the girls side, and looked her over for any sign of visible injury, which thankfully she found none of, but she didn't miss the girls tears. Something bad had happened, she knew that, but all she could do was hope that whatever had happened she could try to offer some comfort for it. "Trixie, what happened?"

They both made their way inside as Trixie tried to come up with an explanation, but she was at a loss. As much as she was happy to be safe with Katya right now, a small part of her regretted calling her. By doing that she had the older woman involved in this mess. She'd know it all now- she'd know what a stupid child she was, or still is. There'd be that look of pity in her eyes, even more of a reluctance to kiss her or touch her- and she despised that.

"You're going to..." Trixie swallowed the emotion in her voice down her dry throat "..think I'm _dirty_ " Katya was slightly taken aback at the distaste in Trixies words but her neutral facial expression hid that well.

She unlocked her apartment and got them both inside before they continued, she could tell that whatever this conversation was going to lead to it wasn't going to be easy and they needed to be inside for that.

Once Trixie was settled on the couch, Katya went and got her a glass of water and re-joined her as quickly as possible.   
"Trix, whatever you tell me- I will not think you're dirty" she promised and Trixie wanted to believe her, but she just couldn't.   
How could she say that? She doesn't understand.

"You don't have to talk about this if you don't feel able to doll- can you tell me what you've taken though?"

Trixie cuddled against the older woman, and rested her head against her chest, she knew she was being needy but she needed the physical comfort. She didn't deserve to feel comfortable, but she appreciated it while she still could.

"I smoked weed and drank Vodka" at the admission Katya nodded, and ran a hand over the top of Trixies head

"Are you feeling alright? Are you struggling to breathe or is your heart beating harder than it normally would?"

The older woman knew the signs to look out for based off of her own struggles with addiction. Thankfully it was a chapter of her life that she closed years ago, and although she sometimes struggled with sobriety, she was in a much healthier place in her life now.

"I don't think so" Trixie told her "I think I'm just buzzed- I'll be okay. I was scared when I was alone, that's why I called"

Katya understood the feeling, or as far as she knew she did- but in reality Trixie wasn’t afraid because of her drug-induced state. What scared her were her memories. The flashbacks she had tried so desperately to shake off for days now all fell on her at once and it was too much.

“I know I shouldn’t have done it” she admitted and the older woman reckoned that was at least a good sign “but I’ve been doing so badly lately I thought it might help me get way from it all- but it didn’t”

Trixie was crying now, desperately sobbing into Katya, who was doing her best to get past what she perceived as her own awkwardness and was making an attempt to soothe her. Before she could piece together something helpful to reply Trixie had started speaking again

“He was all I could imagine Kat, his hands under my skirt- his breath on my neck. I saw it all again and it made me so sick-“ her confession cut off there as she realised what she’d done, she’d actually told her. Trixie had at least hoped to be sober when she announced her biggest secret, her worst memories, but she should’ve expected this to happen.

Katya was stunned into silence, but her hand was still running up and down the girls back.  
She wasn’t foolish, it was obvious that everything had been leading to a confession like this – the reaction in the café that night, her anxiety around coming back to the apartment. It made sense now. But that’d didn’t make it any easier to hear.

Once Trixie had managed to control her cries a little more, Katya pulled back and allowed their eyes to meet  
“Trix, who hurt you like that?”

She recalled the girl mentioning no previous lovers, so that ruled that aspect out, and frankly the other options were even more frightening to her. The thought of someone you trust who’s supposed to care for you, not only hurting you, but ruining your confidence and trust in that way was vile.

“My mothers boyfriend- well, at the time- they’re engaged now”

Katya’s eyebrows knotted in concern   
“Please tell me you don’t go home often, that you don’t have to see him?”

Trixie shrugged. She went home when she was told to, and that was the truth of it. If she could she’d never go home, she’d even considered cutting ties completely once she had moved out for college but with how expensive everything had been she had relied on her mother to help pay for her accommodation and her fees. That financial control left her in a difficult position to say no when her mother was insisting she make the short journey home to see her.

“I go when my mother wants me to” she stated with a shrug, the importance of the conversation seemingly sobering her up a bit “I just try to not be alone with him- and I don’t sleep very much while I’m there”

Katyas heart broke at how calmly Trixie was enduring all of this. She shouldn’t have to be calm and accepting of whatever it was she went through, she should be allowed to be angry and upset, she should be taken as far away from that monster as possible.

“Look at you, my doll” Katya cooed softly against the girls ear “I thought you were strong before, but now, Trixie you’re incredible. You didn’t deserve anything bad that happened to you, but the strength you used to get to where you are now is so admirable”

The awe, and sheer passion in her voice confused Trixie  
“You don’t mind it?”

“Me? No, God Trixie- not at all” she insisted, and based off of her strong tone Trixie knew she meant it “this isn’t any of my business, it’s not something that changes my feelings for you or anything about how I see you”

Katya didn’t miss the look of apprehension on Trixies face. She knew she didn’t believe her and there was nothing she could really do to change that right now but that was okay.   
This girl deserved the stars, deserved everything nice in the world, and Katya vowed to make her see that about herself- no matter how long it took.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all so much for your continued support.  
> Also- I hope you all enjoy the stories upcoming Christmas vibes even though its late March.

From the second she woke up the next morning Trixie was anxious.  
In reality she shouldn’t have been because she had found herself safely cuddled against Katya as she slept, and the scene should’ve been one of relaxation- but it wasn’t. Trixie was finding it difficult to breathe at a normal pace and her mind was back cutting itself off mid-thought.

All she could focus on was the fact that she told Katya.  
Her memories of last night were sketchy and she couldn’t fully recall how she ended up at the womans apartment but the conversation they had shared was burned into her mind, or printed like a tattoo, permanent.  
She actually told someone, the only other person who knew the real story besides her mother. Sure, she hadn’t gone into details but she did think that even just having done this much was an achievement for her. All she could do now was hope that it didn’t hinder their ever developing relationship too much.

Was it a relationship?  
That was her next doubt. She wasn’t sure on how romantic relationships worked or if she was ready for something so committed – but the irony wasn’t lost on her that she was thinking about all of this from the older womans bed. She told herself she’d talk to Katya about what they were doing soon, just to help put her mind at rest.

“-Doll, I can hear you thinking from here” Katya startled her by speaking up, but when Trixies bleary eyes met hers they both smiled  
“Are you doing okay?” she added before lifting her arm to link across the girls waist- but she stopped herself, unsure as to if it was okay

Trixie noticed, and instead of saying anything she guided Katyas hand over her hip and shuffled a little closer to her.  
“I’ve been worse- especially since I’m getting to spend my Saturday morning like this, with you”

Katya smirked “-you know, for someone who doesn’t have much experience with dating and romance you’re awfully smooth Trix, you’re putting me to shame, and I love every second of it!”

Trixies heart felt lighter at the compliment and as a response and a thank you, she ended up placing a string of soft kisses against Katyas cheeks and lips.  
This feeling was different for Trixie, it was like nothing she’d ever experienced before. Her anxiety eased as soon as she was wrapped up in Katyas hold, and in a dramatic and uncharacteristic mood shift she felt nothing but safety.

* * *

Trixie had really enjoyed the morning she had spent with Katya, but unfortunately after their shared breakfast she had to go back to her dorm and work on her assignments, as well as study for her exams that were starting next week. There was a lot of pressure on Trixie to do well – mostly coming from herself – because she knew if her grades slipped her mother would insist she quit her job, or even worse, move back home. That wasn’t an option for her.

Before she left the apartment Katya had handed her a small ornament from her keyring, which Trixie immediately clipped onto her own. It was a silver and red charm of a dog and the older woman had told her all about how it had brought her a lot of luck over the past few years and she was sure it would do the same with her for her upcoming exams.  
The younger girl was stunned into silence at the kind gesture and the pair ended up kissing again and Trixie had no idea how long for because when they were like that time seemed to just melt together and become nothing worth thinking about.

On her walk home she admired the city. It was that small it barely entitled to be called that Trixie reckoned but due to the time of the year it appeared so much busier and crowded than usual. Christmas lights had started to be hung between shops and around lampposts and she had to admit, it made everything seem so much better.

Christmas was her favourite holiday, even when she was growing up it was something to look forward to. There was no real arguments, and even her own struggles at home seemed to stop, although always just briefly.  
This year though, the holidays was something Trixie was actually excited for. She wasn’t going home- that was a promise she had made herself. She wanted this to be the first year where she celebrated surrounded by nothing but happiness- and she told herself that would happen if she hung out in her dorm, ordered Chinese food and marathoned some of her favourite movies.

Well, that was her original plan.

Now she wondered if Katya was free for Christmas. Maybe she’d want to do a present exchange, or have some hot chocolate together, maybe they’d bake cookies- or well, mostly Katya would because Trixie was hopeless at baking.  
Would it be weird to invite her to her dorm for Christmas? After all they hadn’t even confirmed what they were doing together. Maybe they really were girlfriends now. It felt like it.

Just before her turn off to get back to the dorms, her eyes fell on a store that she’d never taken the time to notice before. It was in out of the way of the street front, but in the window she spotted what she thought might be the perfect Christmas gift for Katya. Abandoning her thoughts of studying for the minute, she turned off and went towards the shop which was the kind of place that looked to sell everything and anything you could want. She admired some of the childrens dolls in the window display- a toy she loved even now - before really inspecting what had caught her eye originally.

Draped from a tired looking manikin was a black dress, boldly patterned with what looked to be red stitch on patches, and instantly it was something she could imagine the older woman wearing. Katya really seemed to love wilder outfit choices, a trait that Trixie adored because she thought they complimented each other perfectly.

Without hesitation she entered the store and after the twenty minutes speaking to the sweet old lady, who had introduced herself as Marjorie, Trixie had bought the dress for Katya, as well as some strawberry hard candies, a new guitar strap and a classic Barbie for herself- she figured she deserved the reward for all the stress she was going to put in over the next few days.

As she walked back to her dorm, her bags in one hand, and her phone in the other she quickly typed up a message to Katya.

_Just bought your Christmas present instead of starting my study- I hope that dog can bring me a lot of luck Monday morning xo_

It didn’t take long for Katyas reply to come through, and it made Trixie giggle to herself as she walked in the door

_I bet it is, but maybe do some study just in case doll. Also- you’re adorable planning Christmas already x_

As she tried to come up with a reply, another message came through

_I never asked, are you here for the holidays?_

Trixie swallowed hard, that was a good sign right? Maybe Katya did want to meet her for Christmas. It took her some time to come up with a reply, her anxiety around inviting Katya over delaying the process entirely but eventually she managed to send something

_I’m here, I was actually going to ask you the same thing. If you were maybe you’d like to spend Christmas together?_

Her heart was in her mouth the whole time she had waited for a reply- she even tried distracting herself by opening one of her English books to start revising but she couldn’t focus on anything apart from her phone. After what felt like forever, but was only ten minutes Trixie noted to herself, her phone buzzed

 _Sounds great doll, we can finalise details later you go study now. If you’re free later tonight we should call_ x

Trixie smiled to herself as she locked her phone and put it on silent to avoid distractions, she wasn’t looking forward to spending the coming hours on revision but at least now she had something to look forward to.


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Content Warning: Sexual assault mentions

Trixie walked out of her final exam, with a weight completely lifted from her shoulders. She’d had three written exams in all, as well as four in class presentations but she’d come out the other end of it and now she was ready for her two week break from college, and based off of her plans she was going to be spending a lot of that time with Katya.

She had to work too, but she didn’t resent that fact because working on the holidays wasn’t a bad thing. She’d get a slightly increased pay packet as well as mega tips, and she really badly needed the money. Her financial situation was getting dire- especially with having to buy a present for her mother – who was visiting her tonight. But she really felt she couldn’t ask her mom for more money, and if she did she faced the risk of being told to come home for the holidays, so she just had to put up with it.

Once she arrived back at her dorm, Trixie was nothing short of terrified to spot both Katya and her mother standing outside of her door, caught up in whatever conversation they were having. Her heart sunk at the sight, she was yet to tell her mother about Katya, or about being gay, so she immediately wondered what was in store if she had been outed.

“Uhm- hi?” Trixie offered as she approached them both “what are you doing here?”

Her mother pulled her into a hug immediately  
“I came to see my baby after her last exam! How did it go Tracy?”

Trixie winced, of course she still hadn’t switched over names, and she just _had_ to do it in front of Katya.  
“Yeah it was good Mom” Trixie briefly turned her attention away from the older woman and focused on Katya “you came to visit too?” she offered a warm smile- much happier to see Katya surprise her than her mother

“I only stopped by quickly to see how it went, but luckily your mom was here to keep me company” Trixie didn’t miss the subtle sarcasm in the blondes voice and had to bite down on her lip to hold back a smirk

“Katya seems like a lovely woman Tracy, I’d wondered why you hadn’t mentioned someone who seemed to be such a good friend before?”

Turning back around, and unlocking the door to avoid snapping in frustration, Trixie gave herself a second to take a cooling breath.  
“I told you, that isn’t my name-” she held open the door allowing them both to follow her inside, Katya standing in the hall somewhat awkwardly – knowing she’d walked in on something she was sure Trixie didn’t want her to see “-and I have a lot of..friends.. I don’t tell you about Mom”

Nobody missed the hesitation in her sentence, but Trixie just hoped her mother wouldn’t put it together that there was more going on than met the eye – or Katya wouldn’t be too offended that she was keeping their relationship a secret.

There was another minute of small talk, Trixie mentioning her exam, and both women congratulating her on all the hard work she had put in but Katya decided then that it was probably best she left Trixie and her Mom alone. 

“Trix, I need to go but I’ll call you later, okay? I’m really glad everything went well for you” she made a move to leave after offering a brief goodbye to the older Mattel woman, but before she could Trixie grabbed her wrist and pulled her into what she hoped looked like a ‘friendly’ hug.

“I’m really sorry, I’ll explain later” she whispered once she was sure only Katya could hear her, but the woman only held her tighter in response, a move that didn’t exactly settle Trixies nerves but at least reassured her that she probably wasn’t angry.

Once alone with her mother again, Trixie allowed the fire in her eyes to show   
“That was uncalled for” she snarled, and the older woman looked beyond surprised at the girls tone – in all honesty Trixie herself was surprised too, but this needed to happen. “I have told you my name, and you have no excuse anymore mom. Stop calling me Tracy– especially around my friends from here who only know me as Trixie!”

“Now Tra-“

“Do not finish that” Trixie immediately cut her off “I am _sick_ of this- I’m sick of you and your pretending!”

The venom and raw hatred was dripping from every word Trixie spoke, for the sake of her exams she’d been just about able to hold herself together over the past week but she couldn’t deny the fact that she was struggling. Every day was a struggle, if she wasn’t hit with flashback she was trying to quell her anxiety around having contact with men while she was in work, or when she took a study break to go to Starbucks. This wasn’t fair and she couldn’t take it anymore.

“You know what he did to me” Trixie felt the tears rush to her eyes and as much as anything she wanted to stop them falling, she wanted to show her mother that she had the strength she’d expected from her, but she hadn’t.  
“He abused me Mom! He touched me- he _hurt_ me! And you didn’t even believe me!”

Trixie was face to face with her mother now, and the older woman looked perfectly calm which only infuriated Trixie more.

“Look at you! Do you even care what I’m saying? Your fiancée is a child molester!” the heat was rising in her cheeks from a combination of temper and embarrassment – she despised the fact she had to talk about this out loud, that she had to _beg_ to be believed.  
“You know what mom, despite all of this- I love you, you are still the woman who brought me up, who showed me how to be someone worth respecting- but I’ve lost that now. I don’t respect you, just like you aren’t protecting me. I’m not coming home anymore, I can’t”

“Okay, you don’t have to” the older woman sounded defeated, which usually would have tugged at Trixies heartstrings, but not this time “but I will not listen to you speak about him in this way any longer”

Trixie glared at her, unable to hide her shock and anger at what her own mother was saying   
“I’m sorry, what?! You wont listen to me tell you what he did-”

“Tracy! Stop! Lord, I am sick to death of all my visits here ending up in a fight with you-”

That was the last straw.

“Well then please, stop visiting. Just stop, things work a lot better for us when we don’t see each other anyway!”

The older woman had collected her purse and she was ready to leave but at Trixies words she was making her way towards the door  
“I think you’re right. We can’t keep doing this again and again. I love you, and I’ll call you. Take care of yourself baby”

Trixie was left standing in the middle of the living area, her head spinning. She had never spoken to her mother like that before, she’d never been so angry and upset with her – but she hadn’t expected her to actually leave.  She had wanted her to go, and she logically knew that cutting personal contact like this at least for now was the right call to make, but in that moment that didn’t make her cry any less.

* * *

 

She was still curled up on her bed wiping away her tears significantly later when her phone rang.  
Katyas name flashed up in big pink letters on her screen and Trixies heart dropped. If she answered then Katya would hear her crying and they’d most likely end up spending another night with her being a mess while Katya comforted her, and Trixie hated that. She didn’t want their relationship to centre around how messy she was, she wanted it to be romantic and to give Katya the kind of love she needed.

Swallowing the break in her voice and clearing her throat once more she connected the call  
“Hi Kat, I was just about to call you- what do you say to going out somewhere?”


	11. Chapter 11

By the time Trixie was in the city she felt significantly more satisfied with herself.   
Before meeting Katya outside the café, she had gone inside and asked Adore for some help, which she happily obliged. Trixie had wanted to go out to a club, she’d wanted to drink, but because of her age that wouldn’t happen without calling in a favour.

Adore had contacts in one of the cities biggest clubs, by the way of her _‘latest good fuck’,_ who Trixie later discovered was a bouncer.   
“Pete is expecting you” she casually said as she disconnected the call and discarded her cigarette end “he knows what you look like so don’t worry about finding him”

Trixie pulled her into a hug, which was mostly just awkward for them both, but it sufficiently said thank you.  
“Hey- before you go girl, I think we need to talk”

It was casual statement, without a hint of anger but it still put fear in the younger girl.

“You never told me what happened that night in my house” Adore looked her over questioningly “you just ignored the fact you booted out like the filth were on your ass and I needed to see you were okay”  
Trixie cleared her throat awkwardly, she didn’t want to do this – especially not now. The whole reason she wanted to go out and drink was to get five minutes away from thinking about all of this.

“I’m good Adore-“ she caught the look of disbelief the dark haired girl threw her “-honestly, I’m fine. It was just a bad night”

All Adore could do was shrug, she didn’t believe the girl but she couldn’t force her to open up when she clearly didn’t want to.  
“If you say so”     

A heavy silence fell between them and Trixie pretended to get a text from Katya to escape it, as much as she felt she gelled well with Adore she couldn’t take the anxiety of the situation between them now. It was just another thing she messed up, but at least Adore still seemed to want to be her friend.

Luckily as she went back out the front Katya could be spotted just outside, meaning she wouldn’t be caught in her lie.

“Look after yourself” Dela warned as Trixie made her way out the door, and she didn’t miss the warning in her voice. Jesus, they really did think she was just some silly kid.  
-Silly. She _hated_ that word. It was one that taunted her growing up, coming from both her mother and stepfather. If she didn’t understand her math homework it was thrown at her, if she didn’t do _what she was supposed to do_ and do it well, she was silly. A silly girl.

She never really felt she lived up to it, that is until tonight.

“Trix- baby..”

A new nickname, one that held a lot of compassion Trixie noticed. There was pity there too, she could’ve sworn it. Despite her feelings she fell into the embrace Katya offered.

“Baby, what’s going on? Did something happen?”

Trixie shook her head, remembering that this was a distraction night, a night for them to have another proper date and she had promised herself she wouldn’t get her issues mixed up in this.

“I wanted to see you”   
It wasn’t a lie, but it wasn’t the whole truth either and it made Trixie feel deceitful saying it.

“I thought you’d be busy with your Mom tonight, I-“

“Well I’m not” she snapped, a little too harshly based off of the shocked look that fell on Katyas perfectly contoured face “I just want us to go out and have a nice night together” her voice was softer now, and they began walking in the direction of the club Trixie had managed to get into with thanks to Adore

The rest of the five minute walk to the club was spent in silence and Trixie got more and more frustrated with every step closer they took. Katya didn’t deserve to be snapped at, especially when she was only trying to help. But how was she supposed to go back on that now? Was an apology enough?

She decided against it, and instead just tried to start a conversation between them again.  
“We’re going to a club, Adore was able to help me get in. I thought we deserved to have some fun”

Katya smiled softly at the girl, making her wonder if her plan to get things back on track had actually worked.   
“That does sound nice doll” she was clearly leaving something unsaid and they both knew it. Trixie didn’t dare ask what for fear of derailing the semi-okay atmosphere between them again. As they approached the doors together, Trixie scanning the crowds for Pete, all she could seem to think to herself was maybe this wasn’t the best idea after all.

* * *

The night was not going the way Trixie had planned.

The club scene was as she expected, loud and offering her several distractions in the form of dancing and drinking- none of which Katya had partaken in. At first they had sat together, and talked for a little while- and everything seemed to be going great so Trixie wasn’t too sure why the night had turned back to the cold atmosphere from before.

She had drank a significant amount since then, enough to end up stumbling back from the bar and towards the booth that Katya was sipping her soda in   
“Don’ you wanna come dance?” she slurred, and Katya helped her up onto the high faux-leather chair as she shouted back her reply over the thudding music

“Trixie, I’m really trying not to dampen the mood, but…” she took a steadying breath before continuing “I know theres something wrong, and I’m hurt that you think drinking it away is better than trying to talk to me”

Trixie sighed, and blinked twice to try to stop the room from spinning. What could she say to that? It was the complete truth and they both knew it.   
She decided they couldn’t talk here, she wasn’t sure Katya would hear her over the new song that was playing anyway.

Getting to her feet, she attempted to guide them both to the doors but Katya had to take control not long after because she didn’t have much faith in Trixies ability to find the exit in her current state.   
Lucky for Katya, it didn’t take long to get outside and track down a cab. This time she knew the exact address of Trixies dorms and the journey seemed to only last seconds. She spent the whole time in the back of the cab with Trixie propped against her shoulder as she massaged her hand through the younger girls hair.

She didn’t blame her really, it was obvious she had been hurting so Katya knew that whatever her motivation was in keeping it to herself it must have had a good explanation, and in reality they were still in a relatively new relationship, so it was natural for the girls guard to still be up – Katya knew hers was.

There was a lot she hadn’t shared with Trixie, but she knew it’d come in good time- and then she realised she was being somewhat of a hypocrite in expecting Trixie to open up to her when she hadn’t done the same.

“Baby, we’re here” she announced as the cab rolled to a stop outside of Trixies building and it startled the younger girl to step out into the cold of the December night. The chilling wind sobered her up slightly though, thankfully, she reckoned.

“I just wanted to have a normal night” Trixie announced sadly as they made their way up the cramped staircase “I wanted us to be happy, have another date- do couple things”

Katya ran her hand up and back down Trixies back  
“I know doll, but those types of things are nicer when we’re both happy- I wouldn’t have minded meeting up just to cuddle you if that helped make things better”

“I’m sorry I wasn’t more honest with you” the girl had begun hiccupping and Katya noticed the tears gathering in her eyes as she continued “I just don’t want everything to be about how messed up I am”

Katya got them both in the door, and immediately led Trixie towards her bed, it was suddenly extremely apparent how tired she was.  
“You aren’t messed up Trixie, you’re going through a tough time and that’s understandable”

The younger blonde just hummed softly in response and Katya sighed deeply as she considered the situation. Trixie needed help, professional help, to try and pull through this but she had no idea if that was something she’d want to do. Therapy wasn’t easy, and often made things worse before they got better so she understood the possible apprehension.   
Realistically though, Katya knew that Trixie couldn’t keep going at this pace for much longer because it really would drive her to some kind of mental break.

“Things are going to be okay, I promise”

She wasn’t sure who she intended the statement to reassure most, herself, or the now snoring Trixie.


	12. Chapter 12

Breakfast the next morning was shared in such peace it was as if nothing happened the previous evening, and it was an atmosphere Trixie was beyond thankful for.  
Katya had gone out while she was still sleeping and got them both some coffees and a carton of eggs so she could put together an omelette for them both, and Trixie happily watched as the older woman stood by the cooker, with a lazy smile on her face.

“You’re so beautiful” she remarked out loud, and the comment made them both blush just slightly, and Katyas smile grew wider

“You’re only sweet talking me so I’ll feed you” she winked over at Trixie, who felt the butterflies in her stomach stir immediately, she’d never felt this feeling of attraction so strongly before. She always brushed off the idea of relationships but as she sat here, her eyes trained on Katya, she wondered how she could ever have felt that way before

“You know-” Katya continued as she dished up the food for them both “-this could be the nice date you wanted for us Trixie”

“But we’re just in the dorms?”

The older woman rolled her eyes, but still looked over at Trixie warmly  
“We don’t have to go out for it to be a date doll, dates can be a lot of different things”

Trixie considered her comment in silence and realised she was right. She had it built up in her mind that dates had to be a grand gesture, filled with passion and romance but in reality, what could be better than this? They were comfortable and together and that was what counted.

“Can I ask you something?” Trixie hadn’t even begun eating yet, her mind too centred in on _them_ to even consider lifting the fork to her mouth   
“I don’t want to like..” she hesitated briefly, and at that she had Katyas full attention “..pressure you or anything. But I wanted to ask, what would you label this?”

She gestured between them with a wave of her finger, and tried to look nonchalant but on the inside she was terrified. She could feel her heart pounding unmercifully against her ribs and desperately tried to swallow her sudden need to take back the question and just have them continue their breakfast.

That is until Katya started talking.

“Well Trix, I’ll be honest with you- I care for you an awful lot, and I definitely see something between us” she brushed her thigh against Trixies in a gesture of comfort “I wasn’t sure either on how we should label things- I didn’t want to make the decision to call you my girlfriend if it was too soon, or it’d make you uncomfortable-“

“It wouldn’t!” Trixie interjected, smiling wider than Katya had ever seen her smile before “I know we’ve only really been dating for like a month, but Katya I really want to be your girlfriend”

The vulnerability and honesty she was offering made the older woman smile fondly   
“Are you sure? We don’t need to rush anything-”

Trixie stood off of her chair, sat herself down into Katyas lap and immediately pulled her into a kiss. It was something between them that perfectly captured the feelings in that moment. Neither woman could stop smiling into the kiss, causing their teeth to clash a couple of times but it wasn’t an issue. All they could focus on was their happiness.

“I want to be yours Katya Zamolodchikova”

At the use of her surname, Katya smirked  
“You’ve been practising how to say it, haven’t you?” 

“A little” Trixie felt the blush fall across her cheeks, and offered a shy smile “did I get it right?”

“Yes doll, it was practically perfect”

At the praise Trixie beamed. Unbeknownst to Katya Trixie had spent a significant amount of time trying to get the pronunciation correct, she knew it’d be embarrassing if she didn’t, so she really put the work in.

After some comfortable silence between them, that saw Trixie still sitting in Katyas lap only now she was cuddling her too, Katya spoke up  
“Hey- would you mind if we go out somewhere? There’s this little Christmas market in the city today and I really wanted to go with you”

* * *

They’d spent over two hours strolling around the Christmas market together hand-in-hand, debating which type of hot chocolate was best and if snow was pretty or just an inconvenience and by the end of the day, Trixie felt a happiness she hadn’t felt in a long time. Everything was so normal, they were just like all the other couples they had seen wandering through the market that day, she felt like she was really starting to fit into something in her life.

Her mother always told her growing up that there was nothing wrong with being her own person and standing out from the crowd but that wasn’t the life Trixie wanted for herself, of course that was difficult for her when kids at school used everything she did as an excuse to tease her.   
She was a geek, she played _crummy_ guitar, she was always kinda’ chubby. Never fit in.  
Until now.  

“Hey Trix, lets grab some food” Katya led them over to a booth and she immediately went and picked them up some to-go plates from the street vendor with some different combinations of foods on it. Trixie smiled as she noticed Katya avoided the meat options for her. She’d been a vegetarian since she was eleven, and every time she went back home her mother _always_ , without fail, made meat dishes- but Katya respected her, Katya listened- she cared.

“Baby, I want to talk to you about something”

At those words, Trixie froze and looked straight up at the older woman. Whatever this was it was serious, and she began to think back over the day and analyse if anything had gone wrong, but she hadn’t thought so. Her anxiety shot up as she studied the platinum blonde woman who seemed to be struggling over her words

“Is something wrong?”

Katya noticed Trixies shift in mood and immediately reached across the table and took the smaller hand into her own  
“No doll, nothings wrong right now, I just wanted to share some things with you about my past”

Trixie relaxed a little, but still listened intently. She wanted to know everything Katya was willing to share with her.

“You’ve been so honest with me, and I want to do the same” she smiled, but it was a smile filled with nervous tension and Trixie began stroking her thumb against the palm of Katyas hand as she waited for her to continue “I’m sure you noticed last night that I didn’t drink?”

Trixie nodded.

“Okay, well the reason for that is because I’m a member of AA- I struggled with addiction- um, alcohol and drugs, for a while a few years back. Honestly it’s something that I don’t really talk about unless I need to” she paused for a second and took a steadying breath “but I wanted you to know”

“Wow Kat, thank you for sharing that with me” Trixie moved her hand up the older womans arm and squeezed gently in the hopes of offering some comfort “I’m always here if you want to talk about it again, okay?”

Katya nodded, and let out the deep breath she felt she’d been holding since she decided to open up to Trixie. She had to admit it was nice to share her past with someone other than the acquaintances at AA and NA, and this was something that created more of a bond between them. Katya felt able to be vulnerable with Trixie now, and that was definitely a step forward in their relationship.

“While we’re sharing, I think I have some explaining to do about what really happened yesterday” Trixie said as she continued eating the garlic eggplant that was carefully placed at the side of her plate “I’ll start with why my Mother called me Tracy”

Their conversation ended up lasting for another hour and a half, with both women opening up more and more about themselves- some topics were more serious, but some weren’t. They’d discussed different things like loved ones they’d lost, more details of their pasts, but also their favourite colours and their first pets.

By the time they had finally pulled themselves from their conversation they realised how much the crowds around them had thinned out.   
“Shit Trix” Katya laughed as she checked her phone “I’m pretty sure this place closed off to the public ten minutes ago- c’mon”

They got to their feet, both smiling  
“Where are we going now?”

“Home, doll”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for the continued support- especially the reader who sent me a particularly nice anon ask on my tumblr (mxtt-21) that really inspired me to keep writing this chapter!  
> Just as a small warning, my updates from here on out are going to become more delayed but I'll keep posting as often as I can!


	13. Chapter 13

Trixie wasn’t quite sure when it had happened.  
It had possibly been sometime around Christmas Day when Katya surprised her with some of her favourite white chocolate as well as a new pastel pink jumper and they ended up cuddling on Katyas worn leather couch. Or, maybe it was when the older woman had held her close as they watched the ball drop on the TV for New Years and they shared an earth shattering kiss in celebration. But whenever it was, and however it had happened, Trixie knew Katya now felt like home for her.

She hadn’t felt this safe in years. She finally had somewhere she could go if things went wrong, someone to turn to when she was incredibly happy and wanted to share the moment, or beyond sad and wanted to cry her heart out.

They’d been together for exactly two months Trixie noted as she rolled out of Katyas bed that morning and started getting ready for work. She was going to have to sleep at home tonight, and she knew that, because she couldn’t keep missing her morning lectures on the days she did have them. She’d been doing that more and more lately since the Christmas break ended and it was really making her anxious.

Katya mumbled her name from her place tangled in the sheets, still comfortably dozing and it took everything in Trixie not to change back into her pyjamas and cuddle up against her. By doing that though she’d skip work and most likely her afternoon lectures and she didn’t need that stress.

“You go back to sleep Kat, I’ll call you tonight” 

There was a reply that Trixie couldn’t hear very well, but she figured it was Katya mumbling as she fell back to sleep- that was until the older woman perked up a bit, and her now opened eyes met Trixies  
“Good luck with your appointment baby, I can come by if you need me to later, okay?”

It was a promise, and one that although it was offered in kindness and compassion it flung Trixie back to her worry all over again. She’d tried to forget about the counselling appointment she’d made with the on-campus counsellor and that was something surprisingly easy for her to do when all she had to think about and focus on during her free time was Katya.

She’d be okay. At least that was what she kept repeating to herself all day, like a prayer from Sunday church with her mother. She reassured herself in work, the whole way through her painfully boring literature lecture and then suddenly the appointment time had arrived. It felt like a blink of an eye, which Trixie partly appreciated but she couldn’t control the way her heart was thumping so hard it felt like it was coming up her throat.

“Trixie Mattel?” the call of her name startled her even though it was gentle “My names Alexandra, I’m the lead psychologist here, it’s nice to meet you”

Trixie shook the hand that was offered to her and immediately felt herself clam up, she wanted to be sick. Of course this all had to hit her _now_ , just as she walked in.

“You’ve paled over Trixie, I know you’re nervous but I promise this wont be half as scary as you think it will be, okay?” Alexandra offered her a small smile “what can I do to make you more comfortable?”

Trixie considered saying there was nothing, but upon eyeing the small drinking glass left just in front of the chair she was obviously supposed to sit in, she decided to ask for a drink. At least then she wouldn’t be toying with her flimsy overshirt, and she’d have something to occupy her hands.

As she was filling out the two glasses of water, Alexandra started the opening conversation, and it was kept remarkably light. Trixie didn’t have to talk about her family, or even her mental health. They spoke about her course, her exam results – which Trixie was praised on, for having done so well before the Christmas break.

She had almost forgotten that this was a counselling session, that was until Alexandra took a mouthful of her own water and then turned fully to face her  
“Tell me why you’re here Trixie, what’s been happening lately that’s causing you bother?”

That really was the golden question, wasn’t it?

She sat there for what felt like an agonizingly long period of time, just trying to search through her racing thoughts to come up with even one that sounded tame enough that her and her situation wouldn’t be considered a threat to herself or anyone else, but was still honest. 

She offered a slight groan of hesitance before she asked  
“What’s the confidentiality policy here?”

Alexandra made a small note on her notepad, which Trixie strained to try and see, she could only imagine what that made the psychologist think of her.   
“Okay well, I cant talk about anything that you say outside of this room” she gestured to the walls in emphasis “however- if you tell me something that makes me think you’ll leave here and attempt to try to commit suicide or homicide then I’m legally bound to get you some more professional help, and immediately”

Trixie nodded, but kept silent. She was long past wanting to kill herself, and him for that matter. But she couldn’t help but worry about the invisible limit of what she could discuss. What if it was too much and they made her go get help? What if they referred her to someone outside of the college- she couldn’t afford that.

Alexandra gave her as much time as she needed, and eventually Trixie pressed herself to open up.  
“Okay. I’m not really sure on how to explain everything but-“ she paused, jus for a beat “I think I might have anxiety and its getting really difficult to cope with alone”

The woman opposite her nodded and jotted down another note.

She’d done it, she didn’t talk about everything, it wasn’t even close to everything, but she discussed her feelings with someone who could actually help her and that was a personal victory to be celebrated.

Alexandra had wanted to see her again the following week, and by the Trixie had told herself she’d plan out a way to bring up her family situation. Maybe she could start with everything that happened with her Mom before Christmas and then work backwards from there.

* * *

The call connected with Katya almost instantly and Trixie liked to think that was because she was waiting to hear from her.

“Hey Kat” the smile shined through the call in Trixies voice “how’re you?”

Katya laughed a little into the receiver as she felt her heart warm at the younger girls obvious happiness.    
“I’m good Trixie, I’m just between yoga classes. You sound happy, did it go okay?”

Trixie nodded as a response but then rolled her eyes as she realised the older woman couldn’t see it  
“Actually, yeah it really did. She was nice and I think it actually helped!”

They spoke for another few minutes, making Katya late to starting her class but she didn't really mind, she was happy to stay talking to Trixie about her appointment and hear how well she felt she was doing afterwards.   
With slight hesitation but under the glare of one of the older women in her class at her delayed start Katya finished up their call with a promise of calling over to the dorms to see Trixie later. Even though she saw the other woman this morning she longed to see her again, even just for a few minutes. 

Her smile grew wider at that realisation, she craved being around Trixie. She had spent so much of her life creating distance from people, from her family, from people who she called friends- from acquaintances who she found asked her too many questions about her past activities. But not Trixie.   
This was something different for Katya, new, but she thought that for once, maybe change wasn't so bad.   


	14. Chapter 14

When Trixie had her second appointment with Alexandra the following week the woman warned her that she may begin to crash emotionally after their sessions, apparently it was exhausting to talk about your feelings and your problems, but Trixie didn’t experience that crash.  
Weeks kept going by, as did appointments, and everything in her life continued in a linear fashion. Trixie would leave Katyas house horribly early, with her pink travel mug brimming with coffee clenched tightly, but she’d make it to her morning lectures now. Work was busy, as was Katyas but they still had nights together to lounge round together binge watching tv shows or playing Scrabble.

She always wondered why she wasn’t hitting that hypothetical brick wall Alexandra had described, that was until she finally, and truthfully, opened up to her about her past struggles.  
Their fifth session, the first one in which she was completely honest, ended up lasting two hours and Alexandra had insisted Trixie call someone to come pick her up at the office – which she did, but still found ridiculous since her dorm was a ten minute walk from this building.

Katya arrived at Alexandras office in record time, even with trying to navigate the poorly signed hallways, and as soon as the door opened and she spotted Trixie looking nothing short of distraught she felt a hit of all of the anxiety that had built up inside her on the journey over.

“Trixie, God, are you okay?” she immediately sat next to younger girl, who was visibly shaking and raised her colder hand to her cheek hoping it’d provide some unspoken comfort.  
Suddenly very aware they weren’t alone, she turned back to the woman she knew as Alexandra from Trixies recounting of her sessions but regardless, she initiated an introduction.    

“Sorry, I’m Katya Zamolodchikova, Trixies- uh-“

Alexandra smiled softly and shook the hand that was being offered to her   
“Trixies girlfriend, it’s nice to meet you, I just wish it was under better circumstances”

Katya didn’t miss the look of concern that fell over her face and she tried her best to swallow the several urgent questions that felt as if they were clawing up her throat.

“I think Trixie might need someone to talk to after our session” Alexandra continued, and Katya nodded and explained that she’d be here.

Trixie scoffed and desperately wiped away her tears that were still falling  
“Please stop talking about me like I’m not here! I’ll be fine, okay? I just need a minute”

There was a tense silence between them all following Trixies snappy comment but Alexandra tried her best to wrap up the session, all the while analysing Trixies safety in that moment.

* * *

When Trixie experienced her emotional crash, it was something that hit unmercifully hard and made her feel worse than ever.

She slept for God knows how long, but all she noted as she peeled herself from her pink bedsheets was that it was bright outside again. As she looked around the rest of the room she sighed, things looked to have been tidied up a bit- Katyas doing, she imagined. The other side of the bed was also still relatively put together, making Trixie curious as to if Katya had slept beside her at all.

She let herself yawn freely and her mind drifted to classes. Trixie couldn’t help but wonder what lectures she’d missed today, but got frustrated and slammed her hand on her bedside locker when she couldn’t remember her timetable.

“Trixie!” she heard Katyas concerned call of her name from the kitchen, followed by sounds of her rushing around the corner of the dividing wall but when she appeared in front of- dressed in a mismatched set of Trixies pyjamas and plastered with a look of worry Trixie felt like she could cry.

“I’m okay, I’m sorry”

Katya shook her head and moved across the room to come face to face with the younger girl, who even through her bleary eyes could see how run down she looked. Katyas eyes were still bright but her make up had been taken off so the tired bags under her eyes confirmed what Trixie had thought- she had slept alone.

“Katya, you look exhausted”

The older woman laughed a little and couldn’t hold back her smirk as she replied  
“Thanks Trix, that’s always really nice to hear” at the sarcastic retort Trixies expression got more serious, it was bad enough Katya had to be here to babysit her, but she clearly wasn’t taking care of herself in the process and she didn’t think that was fair.  
“Yekaterina”

At the use of her full name for the first time from the younger blonde, especially in such a harsh tone, Katya sighed heavily in defeat. She was so incredibly tired, she’d spent all night trying to sleep but really just listening out for Trixie, who’d taken to sobbing in her sleep- she didn’t know that, and Katya had no intention of telling her unless she asked- but it was happening.

“Please just lie down and let me cuddle you sweetheart”

Katya couldn’t object to that, she twisted the heavy blankets over them both and as soon as her head hit the pillow and she felt Trixie against her she noticed the tension fall from her body. Her aching back had been screaming for her to lie down properly for hours and she finally felt relief when Trixies hands began moving under her pyjama shirt and in slow circles along her spine.

She let out a small moan as she felt one movement unravel a knot in her back, and the involuntary noise made Trixie snigger from behind her. “It’s helping?” her voice sounded airy and soft and Katya adored it. In this moment everything felt picture perfect – it was as if they had no worries or stress, for all Katya could’ve known this might have been happening as they were lounging in a kingsize bed under the heat of some distant foreign countrys sun.  
“It’s perfect doll, amazing”    

Trixie ran her hands up over the womans side, allowing herself to really appreciate the body next to her. Katya was naturally beautiful, she decided as she allowed her hands to roam over the older womans surprisingly soft skin. She caressed Katyas curves, her hand dipped with the older womans body and settled against her side leisurely. At the touch, Trixie noticed the blondes breaths get deeper.

“Katya, you’re so beautiful”  
Trixie felt the words catch in her throat, every time she told Katya that she noticed it happened. She figured it was awe, or slight awkwardness from this being her first relationship and Katya being the first woman she really complimented out loud, but when she considered it Trixie thought she wouldn’t really want to be telling this to anyone else.  
“You’re more than just beautiful Kat, you’re kind and caring, effortlessly funny- you make me feel safe”

Trixie knew that she was using this time to talk about Katya instead of her own problems, deflecting the pain and hurt she knew was going to come with opening up to Katya fully, but she let it happen.

“Do you feel safe now?”  
Katyas question surprised Trixie, who jumped a little from being startled, but regardless replied in an affirmative manner.   
“Then talk to me Trix, tell me what happened yesterday that shook you so badly”

The younger girl didn’t want to relive it. She had been putting it off for a reason but she said it herself, she was safe here.   
To occupy her hand, Trixie began her movements against Katyas side again.

“I had a flashback” she admitted with a pained sigh after a brief silence “I blurted out everything to Alex about what he did to me- Kat, it felt so good to finally be honest about it with someone”

Katya reached her hand back and offered some soothing movements up and down Trixies filled-out thigh in some hopes of comfort. She had wanted to turn over but briefly worried it’d spook Trixie so this was the next best thing.

“But then, I tried to talk about specifics- I told her about the night in the kitchen, when- uh-“ she faltered slightly, suddenly aware she hadn’t opened up this much with Katya before “-when he first started it. I told her about the next few times- the night he was drunk and came to my room. But talking about that sent me back- all I could picture were his hands, he reeked of whiskey-”

Trixie could feel it hitting her again, her eyes immediately filled with tears and her stomach clenched violently. The moments from her past began to flash before her eyes, fragmented memories with each one feeling more real than the last.  
Her breath quickened and her hand clutched at Katya desperately, which made the older woman turn over immediately.

Katya was saying something, but to Trixie it was distant and just sounded like static in her ears. Her mouth suddenly felt as if it had been shoved full of cotton wool and she could hardly breathe around it and all she could focus on were the tears falling down her cheeks.  
Her safety was ripped from her, and in a rational state she was sure this wouldn’t be such a big deal, but that didn’t change how lost and scared she felt in that particular moment.

The desire to run built up in her again. She wanted to sprint from the dorms and cry alone, get through this alone. She never needed anyone before, so what made this time any different, right?

At least that was what she thought, but Katya had pushed them both into a fully upright position and Trixie could feel her arms looped around her own waist.   
_Katya was there._ Katya wasn’t letting her go, she was keeping her safe.

Alongside that thought, suddenly her desire to leave wasn’t as pressing as before.    


	15. Chapter 15

It’d taken some time, but soon enough Trixie had come to realise why she had avoided relationships for so long- why she was so afraid of being involved with someone in a way that was so intimate and important- because she was nothing short of a mess.  
All her mind kept screaming at her was that none of this was fair, least of all to Katya so why should she have to deal with it? She considered leaving- actually, in a particularly bad bout of anxiety she had been ready to leave Katya, at 3am one morning in the most cowardly way. With nothing but an _“I’m sorry”_ note and a parting kiss on the cheek but something had stopped her, what she didn’t know.

In their most recent session Alexandra had highlighted to Trixie that she seemed to be deteriorating, and all Trixie could do in that moment was scoff. She figured you didn’t need a medical licence to see that. One minute she was happy, she felt able to be productive and get to her classes- the next she was crying, having panic attacks - or angrily lashing out at Katya, who definitely didn’t deserve any of what she was getting lately. It was embarrassing, to be so out of control and not able to hold herself together.

She’d wanted to talk about it, to try to apologise, but it felt like all her and Katya seemed to be doing lately was talking about something heavy. Over the past couple of weeks, just as they had passed the hurdle of being together for four months, she’d completely opened up to Katya. Alexandra had spoke of the importance to discuss the details of the ongoing abuse with her partner if at all possible, and one night Trixie decided to start talking and hadn’t stopped until she had re-laid _everything._ They cried together, and Katya had tried her best to hide the pain she had felt at every new admission, or every explicit detail- but Trixie had saw it all. Since that night everything felt different and she couldn’t place what changed but it was something. In reality, Trixie missed the lightness between them, the shine in Katyas eyes when she smiled- and it was gut wrenching to know that she had wiped that away.

Things felt strained, and Trixie knew it was her fault and it made her want to just drop everything and run, but that wasn’t how adult relationships worked and she cared about Katya too much to hurt her like that.

Rolling over on the couch, and wiping her tear streaked cheek against the cushion beneath her she let out a deep sigh. She should be in work right now- but she had called in sick for what was the fourth time in as many weeks so she figured she was in with a big chance of losing her job if she didn’t turn things around, and fast. She needed the café work, especially since her mother seemed to have cut the money she had been transferring to Trixie every month.   
They hadn’t spoken in weeks, they’d called a couple of times since the incident just before Christmas, but eventually those calls fizzled out, which had hit Trixie hard too.

Everything seemed to have been disintegrating for Trixie and she had no idea on what to do to stop it. She just knew things couldn’t stay the way they were.

* * *

 

_Things got worse before they got better._ Over the past few weeks that’d been Katyas mantra.  
She watched Trixie crumble before her eyes, that was all she could really do- and she felt nothing short of useless- but _things got worse before they got better._

There’d been some stand-out moments for Katya- Trixie turning up at one of her yoga classes crying after one of her counselling appointments was one in particular. It’d gotten Katya in hot water at work, especially since she had stopped mid-class and ended up abandoning the rest of the session to help Trixie cope with her scattered emotions- but it was necessary and it helped Trixie in that moment so Katya figured it was worth it.  
However, with each arising problem and every heated exchange between the pair Katya was starting to feel the strain of everything if she was honest with herself. She’d tried to not let it show- feeling selfish for being so fragile when Trixie clearly needed support but she knew, for herself, she couldn’t keep this up.

They had their first fight- well, their first three fights- and they were small and petty but still something Katya hadn’t wanted to experience again so she knew open and honest communication was essential here.

They had to have a discussion, something she had never been strong at doing. She blamed her upbringing for that, all the nights spent with her parents in what could only be described as radio silence. Things had never flowed smoothly, and as much as she was sure her parents loved her in their own way, she never really felt it. Even now, they were little more than strangers and she rarely called or visited- which was no great loss to the woman in her mid twenties. By now, she’d accepted that this was how things were.

That evening, exhausted and still achy from work, she approached her own apartment door and as she let out a deep sigh she noted her heart felt painfully heavy. She knew Trixie was inside and in reality, Katya had no idea on how was best to do something like this.

“Trix?” she called out, her voice a lot sunnier than she thought it might be – and she was surprised to hear Trixie call out her reply from the kitchen “are you cooking?”   
Katya found the younger girl with her face buried in a cookbook, meticulously following every step on chopping vegetables and the sight lightened her heart just a little.

“I’m making us casserole- I mean, its vegetarian but I think you might like it!”   
Trixie was smiling, the first real smile or any vague sign of happiness Katya had seen from her in a long time.

“How’s it going? It smells nice” Katya dropped her bag by the counter and pressed a kiss to Trixies cheek, and with how the atmosphere had shifted between them Katya had almost wanted to abandon the conversation she’d wanted to have that night, but she knew she couldn’t because who knew how long this would last, they needed to have plans in place for if one- or both- of them weren’t feeling good

“Yeah I think it’s going good! It should be ready soon so we’ll see!”

Katya smiled back at Trixie who seemed a lot better than she had in previous days but she couldn’t help but wonder what had caused it. Maybe her mother had called, maybe one of her professors had emailed her back and helped her figure out a way to get the extra credit she needed- maybe she was just genuinely happy, and as much as she hated the thought of denting that, she knew it was necessary.

“Doll, would you mind if we had a talk?” Katya asked as she slid into the chair that was facing where Trixie was still chopping up peppers

Trixie dropped the knife she had been using and wiped down her hands on her newly purchased pink apron before turning all her attention to the older woman. She’d known this was coming, they needed to talk to each other, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t anxious about it.

At Trixies silence, Katya continued

“Okay..” her sentence didn’t get very far before she was letting out a deep sigh, she was so afraid of saying something to hurt Trixie, or to drive her away even more because that wasn’t what she wanted “I think we need to try and put some plans in place for something going wrong- for if we fight again”

At that Trixie just nodded, her mind running back through the arguments they had had lately. She’d hated it, and it would be good to know what could be done when something like that happened again  
“You’re right” was all the younger girl could manage to say but Katya smiled warmly even at that agreement

“Trixie, things are going to be okay- I know it might not be too easy right now and you’re struggling and that’s okay, there’s nothing wrong with feeling out of your depth”  
At how softly Katya spoke, and the support radiating from everything she was saying Trixie had to wipe away some more tears “but we can’t just keep biting at each other, we’re both doing it and it really isn’t helping anyone”

“Maybe we could take some time out if we notice we’re fighting, have like a safe word to stop what’s happening and we could just take a few minutes to try cool off?”

Katya smirked at the suggestion, despite it being exactly the type of thing she had wanted to hear  
“A safe word? Aren’t those usually a BDSM thing?”

Trixie glared at Katya, who had dared to make that retort in such a serious moment but they both ended up laughing together, so Trixie thought maybe it wasn’t so bad. She was happy to see the glint return to Katyas eye again.

“I’m sorry for how I’ve been treating you though Kat” Trixie apologised as she turned back to the pot with the other vegetables in it “Actually, that’s kinda what made me decide to make us dinner- I wanted to try and do something to show I cared- well it was that and my cute new apron”

Katya rolled her eyes playfully at the add on comment  
“Of course it was”

   

 


	16. Chapter 16

The next day Trixie had gone to work, - actually, she’d made Katya breakfast in bed, gone to her morning lecture _and_ showed up to work a half hour early. A sequence of events which were very much worlds away from what she had been experiencing during her low times lately. She was exhausted, but worked through her shift with a feeling of pride rooted deep inside her. She was finally noticing some progress.

Talking with Katya seemed to have helped her overall mood and on the back of that improvement she had plans to try and talk to Alexandra tomorrow in their next appointment about some tips to cope with her anxiety and her flashbacks.  
Another topic had been playing on her mind lately and she wasn’t sure who would be best to talk to about it- she felt like she wanted to have sex with Katya.   
In a way she’d wanted to mention it to Alexandra, because she was beyond afraid of starting something with Katya and then panicking and backing out. Not that she thought Katya would force her, but she’d be embarrassed. But it was also something that might be best discussed with Katya first.

Her mind wandered as she was serving up some coffees, which left her staring into space rather than actually serving, causing Dela to rest her hand against gently against her lower back  
“Trixie?”

She jumped slightly but covered it well by going back the neglected coffees and making a mental note to stop thinking about inappropriate matters at work.

* * *

Her next appointment came and went, and Trixie was still trying to figure out what she had wanted to do about her feelings surrounding sexual intimacy. She had decided not to bring it up with Alexandra and gave herself some more time to think about it alone. Anyway, her appointment that day had been difficult enough to get through with the in depth discussion about her anxiety. Alex had given her what had potential to be some good coping mechanisms anyway, so it was worth going.

Trixie and Katya were sitting together on the couch that evening in what appeared to be domestic bliss. The younger girl was curled up on the couch with her head resting in Katyas lap, and the older blonde had taken to threading her fingers through Trixies hair in a slow but rhythmic pace.

“Was it bad today?” Katya interrupted the TV show, which Trixie hadn’t really been paying attention to anyway, to question and in response Trixie offered a small shrug  
“It could have been worse- she taught me some breathing exercises and helped me figure out a relaxation response for when my anxiety gets bad- but uh, I’m still kinda out of it, you know?”

Katya offered her a smile which she hoped showed some reassurance  
“Do you need anything? I can make some of that Chai Tea you like, I picked some up after work”

At the gesture, Trixie smiled brightly  
“You’re a sweetheart, thank you- but honestly I’m okay for now. This is all I need Katya”

They fell back into a contented silence, and after a couple of minutes Trixie took a deep breath before she began to talk again  
“Actually- can I talk to you about something?”

Katya nodded and encouraged Trixie to sit up, paying close attention to the younger girl as she spoke  
“Lately I’ve been thinking about- uh, stuff?” she phrased the sentence in a way which framed it as a question which left Katya cocking her head in confusion  
“Stuff? Okay?”

“I’m thinking about sex Katya!”

Trixie surprised them both with how blunt her statement was but she really couldn’t figure out a light way to bring up the topic. She wanted to have this conversation with actually _having_ it. She just wished she could skip forward a half hour and bypass all her awkwardness.

One look at Katya told Trixie that she might have felt the same way. The older womans eyebrows had furrowed in confusion or possibly concern, but Trixie really couldn't read the expression.

"Oh, you're thinking about sex!" Katya paused for a beat, but then asked "with me?"

A combination of her nerves and the obvious innocence from the older woman made Trixie laugh out loud, with a slight squeal.  
"Yes Katya, of course with you!"

It took Trixie a second to control her laughter but she did, and the atmosphere shifted back to something more serious. Katya wasn't sure on what she should, or _could_ , contribute to the conversation. This was very much something she needed Trixie to guide between them, since she was sure the girl had some limits and hesitations- understandably.

“Trix, I need you to explain how you’re feeling- because I’m not really sure on what I can say”

If Katya hadn’t accompanied her words with an adoring smile, Trixie might have been worried, but she did and it made her feel a little less on edge. She had known she’d need to do the talking- she’d need to explain, but that didn’t make it any less daunting to do.

She sat wringing her hands for a few seconds as she tried to gather together her feelings  
“Alright, so. I think I want to have sex with you – I mean, I haven’t ever felt this way before but I’m pretty sure that attraction is there for me but..”   
The end of her sentence died on her lips, which closed tightly in hesitation

“You’re afraid?” Katya prompted softly, and all Trixie felt she could do was meet her eyes and nod “baby- there’s nothing wrong with being afraid to do this- especially for your first time”

Trixie rolled her eyes “that’s the problem though, it isn’t my first time- not after everything- and what if I freeze? What if it’s not good?” the worry and bitterness dripped from her words and it made Katya lift a hand to Trixies cheek

“Trix- this is your first time. What happened before wasn’t sex. Sex is something consensual, something done for pleasure” Katya had the younger womans full attention as she spoke “this is your first time having sex, and we don’t have to do anything at all until you feel ready to, we can stop whenever you want- and I’m sure it’ll be great when it does happen”

Trixie was crying again before she could even consider trying to hold back her tears. What had she done to deserve someone as patient and loving as Katya is? Right from that first night in the café Katya had been looking out for her and her best interests, and for that Trixie couldn’t have been more grateful.

“I don’t know when I want to” she admitted, still trying to wipe away her tears

“That’s okay, we have all the time you need, my love”

Trixie felt her heart warm at yet another nickname Katya had given her, although she thought she liked that one best, and that only intensified when the older woman pressed a kiss to her cheek.  
“Try not to worry, okay? There’s no rush on this Trixie”

“But wait, what about you?”

Katya offered her a knowing smile   
“I’m fine with waiting Trixie- don’t worry about me” Trixie looked her over sceptically which made Katya smirk “I swear, you’re really desperate to try find something wrong- but you wont find it Trix. Everything is okay, we’ll work all of this out as we go along. We just need to keep talking to each other”

Trixie was sure, in this moment, just after eight on what looked like any regular Thursday evening that she had never felt this supported and loved before. This really was a time that she’d look back on in years to come and appreciate every second of. It’d play through her mind like a scene from one of her favourite movies, she’d remember Katya’s comforting touches and kind words. Everything.

“Hey Kat-?” her voice broke with emotion as she spoke, and it caught Katyas attention. Trixie hesitated, wondering if her desired words were going to be a mistake- if it was too early – she had no idea of the protocol on this kind of thing. But she continued regardless.  
“I think I’m in love with you”

 Katya broke into a beaming smile, that instantly reassured Trixie that it hadn’t been a mistake to admit her feelings  
“I think I’m in love with you too Trix”


	17. Chapter 17

Trixie looked around the bustling coffee shop as she sipped her coffee, and sighed contentedly as she felt the relief wash over her when the creamy but scalding liquid sank down her throat. She'd been craving a coffee since she started her study almost an hour ago but she held out until she read the first few chapters of the novel she had to analyse for her upcoming exam. 

Exam time had been quick about whipping around again, and when Trixie compared it to where she was back at Christmas she felt the pride in herself swell inside her. It'd been almost six months, full of some notable highs and lows but Trixie was so much more well adjusted, and even just generally happier in herself and for that she was beyond grateful.

She had put a lot of work into healing, had countless appointments with Alexandra- as well as out of office coffees which often turned into make-shift appointments but the older woman never seemed to mind, in fact they both seemed to enjoy them so much that they turned into something of a routine- especially when Trixies need for regular appointments dwindled.

Everything felt so different, but oddly the same.  
Her and Katya were thriving, they were busy and leading their own separate lives but found that at night after college and work respectively they'd come home and their lives would fall comfortably together. That was made easier by the fact that Trixie had moved out of her dorm and into Katyas apartment officially. It was a decision made somewhat out of necessity, since her mother had cut her support completely and left Trixie abandoned when it came to her financial responsibilities, but Katya had assured her that if she wasn't comfortable moving in to the apartment itself that she could find the girl something else or fund her dorm payments. A gesture Trixie appreciated but she was only too happy to move in officially. It made sense since she had spent so much time there anyway.

Trixie often wondered how her mother could just cut ties like she had. Things had regularly been tense between them before but usually her mother would still call to check on her, or ask about her grades at least. But nothing ever came- not this time. It made Trixie sad, and she had spent many nights mourning the loss of her mother from her life, but they were always spent with Katya by her side assuring her that she would be okay and eventually she had started to believe that.

Katya herself had been doing so well too, another cause for pride in Trixie. Professionally she was jumping from strength to strength, doubling her workload but loving every second of the added yoga classes and personally, Trixie hadn't ever recalled seeing her so happy. They had both slipped into domestic bliss and every second of it suited Katya perfectly, whether she was guiding Trixie in preparing omelettes on a lazy Saturday morning or washing the younger girls hair as they lounged together in their apartments luxurious bath.

"Baby?" Trixie felt Katyas hand cup her elbow gently to catch her attention and at the feeling she smiled brightly   
"Kat! Sorry, I was in a world of my own" 

 Katya dropped her gym bag, and sat opposite Trixie who still had a smile painted on her face "I missed you, how's study going?"

"It's good actually, I'm glad you're here though- I'd missed you when you were gone this morning"   
Trixie had woken up alone because Katya had rushed off to her early morning class, which had been started to accommodate the working professionals. She loved that Katya was working and she was happy, but that didn't make being apart any easier.

"I know, it's only Wednesday's and Friday's though so you'll have me the majority of the time" Katya gave her a small smile "I like that you missed me though"

"I missed your wake up calls" Trixie remarked in an breathy way, that made Katya feel the blush rise in her cheeks.   
"Doll, later" Katya almost warned, and Trixie giggled- _giggled_ \- at the serious tone 

They'd been creative in finding ways to wake each other up ever since they'd started having sex. Katya was hesitant at Trixies suggestion to do it first, afraid to surprise Trixie with intimacy like that in case she woke up and wasn't sure on what was happening and it sent her into a panic attack, but as she discovered the first morning she passionately kissed Trixie awake, the younger woman had no problem with it.  At first sex had been difficult to navigate for them, with both of them being understandably cautious and there'd been some nights when they stopped entirely, but they soon found a pace that made them both comfortable. 

"Later? I don't often hear that from you, Queen of impatience" Trixie teased, as she allowed her foot to creep up and graze over Katyas semi-exposed shin "Are you sure you want to wait Yekaterina?"

Katyas eyes had widened, and her breathing got harder to control as her arousal skyrocketed. She didn't want to wait, not with Trixie treating her like this. She was needy. In fact, if she thought she get away with it she'd drag them both to the nearest bathroom, but they deserved something better than that.

"Let's get out of here Trixie"

* * *

"Weren't you supposed to keep studying?" 

Katya asked as they both lay breathless but satisfied next to each other almost two hours later. Trixie smirked at the comment.

"You put an end to that Kat- anyway, I don't have time to start again now, we have dinner with your parents in-" she lit up her phone screen and noted the time "-just over an hour"

Katya had obviously been putting off thoughts of the dinner prior to Trixie mentioning it, because at the mention of it she sighed heavily.

"We don't have to go to that Trixie, really- I'm not opposed to cancelling if you want to study"

Trixie answered with a shake of her head, as much as she had been nervous about it she'd been looking forward to meeting Katyas parents. Their relationship seemed somewhat cold, but Katya had spoken of their love for her, and Trixie had wanted to finally see them in person.

"I know you aren't sweetheart, and if you don't want to go we don't have to either- I just thought it might be nice"

"This will be the first time I've seen them in years Trixie, before they called to set this up we hadn't even spoken in months..." they both stayed silent for a minute, and Trixie waited to let Katya continue "I think I'm just afraid it'll be a little awkward with them, you know? But it's fine- it'll probably be okay"  

Trixie tried to silently comfort Katya by running her hand along the older woman's side, and she was happy to see Katya smile brightly at the gesture.  
"I love you Trixie" 

They shared yet another kiss, one that Trixie tried to pour all her love and support into. Tonight wasn't going to be easy for the older blonde and Trixie wanted to be there for her to lean on as she needed to. It was what Katya deserved, it was part of being in a real relationship. 

As they both got ready and Trixie watched Katya slip into her lavish silk black dress, all she could think was that everything in her life had developed so much over the past few months. It didn't seem like much but her comfort and confidence in herself had extended into every part of her life, and she was notably and consistently happy, for the first time in forever. 

Katya noticed the younger girl standing in the middle of the bedroom, seemingly lost in her mind.   
"Trixie? Are you okay?" she swept away some of her coconut scented blonde hair and pressed a small kiss behind her ear 

"I'm perfect, I'm great-"   
They share a small smile before Trixie makes moves to get ready herself.   
"-I love you Yekaterina"

This was everything Trixie had wanted, and if she was honest she didn't appreciate that until she had actually had it. She hadn't realised she needed this love, the care, the level of contentment she was currently basking in. Growing up and even over the past few months she hadn't thought she deserved this, but she really did. 

Trixie was finished with letting herself struggle and wallowing in her unhappiness- there was an unspoken promise that she held only with herself and she said that was going to seek out help if she needed it. More importantly, she promised herself that even if things were tough in her life at times, she was going to push through and be happy. After all, she deserved it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is the end of the story! I hope you all enjoyed it, and again thank you all so much for your continued support!


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